The Heart

In 2024 Ashtar Theatre started a new project: letters to Gaza. During the Leo Season Birthday extravaganza, KP, Tarneem and Ahmad all created audio art in what they called "Mermaid Palace: the Cairo Office" aka: the very spacious air bnb KP rented where they each had a room and a desk to create at. When Tarneem sat down to write a letter to her home, this work of poetry emerged in only a couple of hours. We didn't edit a single word. It’s been 6 months since she left her home in the north of Gaza. Every day she watches the news and prays for her family, her friends, her people. She waits for the world to wake up. She waits to see her pain reflected and acknowledged. Heartbroken and determined she wonders, “are we not even entitled to nostalgia?”The letter was written and recorded by Tarneem Jaber, age 19. Music and sound design directed by Ahmad Jaber.HELP AHMAD ENROLL IN UNIVERSITY: He found a university in Turkey that will accept his credits and let him continue from where he left off. We need 7k more to make enough for tuition! GET THIS YOUNG MAN INTO SCHOOL HERE.

This episode was named months ago: a prayer, a wish shared by one Tarneem Jaber and one Kaitlin Prest. "THE GENOCIDE IS A MEMORY, NOT AN ANNIVERSARY". The genocide has gotten even more terrifying as we mark an entire year of slaughter, terror and complacency. Attacks are now zeroing in on the North of Gaza: the home of Ahmad Tarneem and Hamza. Every day, sometimes every hour they try to call their mother and oldest brother (and his wife, who just had a baby) who are still there, with no way to escape. At the same time, we reflect on an entire year of collaboration, awakening and care. Ahmad Jaber celebrates a birthday that only reminds him of a year of his youth he has lost. In the penultimate episode of the series, KP, Ahmad, Tarneem and the rest of the team take stock of the past, the future and the way we and the world will never be the same. Help Ahmad Jaber enroll in University HERE. THE UPDATE: it is half way through the semester, he was accepted at a University in Turkey that will allow him to continue from where he left off! He cannot enroll unless we can make enough for tuition: 7k remaining!

Artist and business owner Doreen Toutikian, founder of Beirut Design Week (and many other beautiful things that she’s had to leave in her past due to war) sits down with KP on February 23rd 2024 and performs monologue #10: Taima Okasha. She reflects on growing up hiding from bombs, the “Palestinian exception” anti-Palestinian racism in the arts and her fears of what might happen to her own home, Lebanon, if Israel is not stopped. Six months and many voice memos later, some of the fears Doreen expressed in her interview start to occur as Israel attacks Lebanon. "This is some black mirror shit. We've never seen anything like this." says Doreen. Support Doreen's newest venture Omgyno!Help the Jaber Trifecta finish med school!

Audio artist and organizer Aliya Pabani takes Gaza Monologue #19 and binaural in-ear microphones (be sure to listen for the 3-dimensional effect: listen in headphones and you will walk with her) to a Toronto branch of the largest worldwide financier of weapons used by Israel. 

“Before, you could count how many buildings they destroyed. Now, you count how many buildings they didn’t destroy” — Tarneem JaberTarneem Jaber (19 yrs old)  was starting her first week of med school on October 7th. Her brother Ahmad  (21 yrs old) was in his third year of dental school with only two remaining. Hamza, the oldest (24 yrs old), was supposed to graduate this June: He was a volunteer at Al-Shifa until it was obliterated.The three siblings survived the destruction of their home, food shortages, a long journey to the border, and finding an apartment to rent in Cairo, Egypt. Only a few weeks later they were doing an interview on zoom with a Canadian for a feminist podcast they’d never heard of, telling the story of what they lived and what goes on for the loved ones they left behind.Each of the Jaber siblings chooses a monologue to read: Hamza reads #30: Yasmeen Abu Amer. Ahmad reads #8: Ehab Elayan. Tarneem reads #13: Reema El Sadi. "We relate to every single word in this monologue," Tarneem says."But this war, is worse than anything we lived before."Support them to complete their mother's parting wish: to finish their education. Thrust into complete independence and faced with international student fees and paying over again for years they already completed, these three brilliant students need your help to fix problems they never should have had to face. Please follow our link: https://gofund.me/854be259

Comedian Alaa Shahada talks about artist life in Jenin, West Bank. We hear a radiomagic excerpt of his one-man show "The Horse of Jenin". He talks about his dreams for the future of Palestine and performs Gaza Monologue #22 Mahmud Abu Shaa’ban. Alaa is a graduate of the Nobel prize nominated Freedom Theatre acting and the co-founder of the Palestine Comedy Club.EASE ANY GUILT YOU FEEL ABOUT WHERE YOUR TAX DOLLARS GO BY SUPPORTING SOME BRILLIANT KIDS TO FINISH THEIR EDUCATION.

Ali Dajani grew up in Jordan and studied in Canada, where he met KP, the friend that sits down with him in his Amsterdam home to read Gaza Monologue #1: the story of Ahmad El Ruzzi. Ali's paternal grandfather left Jerusalem in 1948. "What happened in 1948?" our radio friend asks. They both laugh. She apologizes for her ignorance. He begins to explain. Discussions of whether the cute-ass canals and oh-my-god-there’s-a-boat’s will become his permanent home frame the recording of the first monologue in Ashtar Theatre’s play: Ahmad El Ruzzi from Al Wehda street, who was 17 years old when he wrote the story of his experience of power outages, trust issues and karma.PLEASE DONATE TO OUR FRIENDS FROM GAZA WHO LOST EVERYTHING AND I MEAN EVERYTHING. If you can afford it: consider donating a thousand dollars and giving up 2 - 5 fancy dinners or 10 take-out meals for you and your boo — if 150 people donate 1k each, these young people don’t have to wait and watch donations trickle in over the course of the next few months. Afford them the security of knowing they have some power over their future. 

"It's kind of corny, but I think about this quote from Che Guevara: "the true revolutionary is guided by feelings of great love." Aliya Pabani, artist, organizer and collaborator. A glimpse into the friends and friends of friends that share their stories in our upcoming series: an adaptation of the Gaza Monologues by Ashtar Theatre (Ramallah). A group of artists, activists and students from Palestine and beyond read the famed monologues from 2010. Speaking words written by teenagers experiencing war in Gaza over a decade ago, we reflect on what's happening today.“We relate with every single word in this monologue. [But] this is bigger than any war we’ve lived before.” Tarneem Jaber. Please give generously to the young people from Gaza who shared their stories in the series: empower them to reclaim their dreams HERE. Music: : Marj Ibn Amer - Muqata’a 

In this update-isode, we follow KP's whereabouts and goings-on since the Processing Palestine episode and the events that led to the genesis of our upcoming series: GREAT LOVE: The Gaza Monologues Revisited. Responding to Ashtar Theatre’s global call to share testimonies from young Gazans first performed in 2010, the series features a chain of personal connections from New York to Toronto to Jordan to Athens to Beirut to Nazareth to Jenin and most importantly: to Gaza. Connections that were forged in a moment of grief and at the same time share some dark-as-hell comedy, appreciation for the sublime, a little too much wine and the most important kind of love: the kind that makes you care about people far away that you haven't met yet. PLZ PLZ PLZ DONATE TO THE MERMAID JABER  SCHOLARSHIP FUND PLZ PLZ PLZ  [this is kp and she is on her knees begging you with tears in her eyes mkay] AKA the GO FUND ME we made: https://gofund.me/159b10afMusic Credits: Simya - Muqata’a [Kamil Manqus] Mayss Invites Xlmxhkfi (in The Ruins Of A Tender Hearts)Mayssa Jallad - Markaz Azraq (December 6)

KP says sweet nothings about the great love of her life: SOUND. A shared moment and meditation: recorded at 4AM in Athens Greece with the window open as the rain fell, gazing at the Athenian mountains aka: former home of the Gods. Use this episode like you would a meditation app: come back to it when you need a moment of peace. Take out the meditation pillow. Play it when you’re taking psychedelic drugs. Use it to relax during your break at work. Play it with a group of friends on a road trip. Play while you take a bath. Half ambient music, half guided meditation, half transcendental experience across the space-time continuum. Don't forget to DONATE to Mermaid Palace <3 We need your dollars to keep making feminist sound art!In this episode: Zeus [from KP: this was not staged. the moment I mentioned his name, he threw a thunderbolt and I happened to be recording. I share the moment AS IS.]The apartment of the badass artist and feminist Doreen Toutikian (check out her work! For pix of her gorgeous pad: follow KP on insta @kaitlinprest). An audience in LA singing with KP:  the premiere of this performance, originally commissioned by the On Air Festival 2019. (thanks Scott and Jemma!). An audience in Milan singing with KP:  the reason she was in Europe! (thank you to the friends who came all the way to Milan to see the piece: Juj, Ali, Rosa, Ariel and Doreen. Thank you Sarah, Martina and Andrea from Chora Media, and to the opera singers who practiced in the conservatory as KP walked in to do her sound check).Send us a recording of you singing along at hello@mermaidpalace.org!

The love story underneath the love story. We finally meet the real-life Charlie Park. Audio artist and friend Brendan Baker: the sound genius who inspired and supported KP to be the artist she is today. Real moments from the real relationship that started it all. If you are an artist or a writer interested in the complicated journey of translating real life into a fictional universe, this one is for you. If you are a regular human being interested in how love is born and grows and changes over the course of decades, this one is for you. We start with a full length audio doc about all of that. And then: the end of a romance. The anatomy of a breakup. The final chapter of “The Shadows”. This is the 6th episode of The Shadows, from CBC Podcasts. Made by Kaitlin Prest with production and co-writing from Phoebe Wang, editing by Sharon Mashihi, and associate production by Yasmine Mathurin. Cameos from Greg, Nancy, and Natalie Prest, Eliot Feenstra, Ian Field Stewart Raven Castle and the residency SMT. You hear Brendan Baker’s award-winning creations from the Love+Radio era. He is an audio fiction director, composer, and installation artist specializing in spatial audio and ambisonics currently scanning the horizon for his next big creative project. Leonard Cohen clip from “Leonard And Marianne” - Falling Tree Productions

The original unpublished title was “Anatomy of a Resentment”. This episode chronicles the era of a relationship wherein every minor annoyance is a symbol of the very major sacrifices we make to accommodate the shortcomings of the person we love. The story underneath the story: Mitchell Akiyama and KP spending 80+ hours pretending to be in a relationship in the summer of 2018. Fortunately, the frustrations you hear in this episode are (mostly) fiction. Six years later, Mitch and KP are Toronto besties. This is episode 5 of The Shadows, from CBC Podcasts, written and directed by Kaitlin Prest with production and sound design help from senior producer Phoebe Wang. Story editing by Sharon Mashihi. Associate producer Yasmine Mathurin made this episode sparkle. Mitchell Akiyama as Charlie Park with cameos from Kaitlin’s friends as well as Greg, Nancy, and Natalie Prest. Assistant production on this episode of The Heart by Yasaman Mansoori.

What is love? What is it really? bell hooks writes that love is something that we do. Not something that we feel. Not a story. So what do we do when we’re inside of a love that feels like a great love of the ages? The kind of romance that has a life of its own?  The story underneath the story in this episode is meeting Johnny Spence. The performer and musician that breathed life into the character “Devon”. Former owner of sweater.  This is episode 4 of The Shadows, from CBC Podcasts,  made by Kaitlin Prest in collaboration with Phoebe Wang. Musician and artist Johnny Spence performs as Devon. Mitchell Akiyama as Charlie Park. Edited by Sharon Mashihi. Appearances by playwright and animator (former puppeteer) Bekky O’Neill and Max Kelly. Assistant production on this episode by Yasaman Mansoori.

There are certain kinds of things a sweater spends its life dreaming about. Primarily: achieving the coveted position of: favourite.  The story underneath the story of this episode is one that we will never tell. What we CAN tell: is that the sweater who speaks in this episode is real and it lives to this very day in KP’s trunk. It was given to her in the year 2014, 9 years ago this very week of November. She washed the sweater once and only once since then. The last time she wore it was last week.  This is episode 3 of The Shadows, made by Kaitlin Prest in collaboration with Phoebe Wang and CBC Podcasts. Musician and artist Johnny Spence performs as Devon. Radio goddess Veronica Simmonds performs as Jean Simmonds. The series was edited by Sharon Mashihi, who also appears in this episode as the other sweaters abandoned in the sweater graveyard. “Palestine is a feminist issue”, Yazan Zahzah. Keep showing up. Donate to Ashtar Theater’s initiative for psycho-social relief interventions for affected youth in Ramallah. If you like this show and the other incredible shows on Radiotopia like Weight For It, Hang Up, Normal Gossip, Articles of Interest, The Stoop and more, participate in our fundraiser!

A window into the set-up from which an audio heartthrob emerged: Charlie Park. A neurotic and immensely talented puppeteer conceived of by artist Phoebe Wang and performed by sound artist Mitchell Akiyama.  This is episode 2 of The Shadows from CBC Podcasts: an auto-fictional series in which KP explores the life she would have had if she’d become a puppeteer instead of a radio producer. There IS a Terry Gross cameo in this episode. Listen closely. You also hear the real life puppetry aficionados: Jessie Orr, Max Kelly and Bekky O’Neil. It’s fundraiser time! Donate to Radiotopia to support new Heart content and all of the other incredible shows on the network. We need your help to make more beautiful and heartfelt audio! AND: Don’t forget to call your representatives and support a ceasefire in Palestine. In the U.S. In Canada. In the U.K. Jewish Voice for Peace

As people all over the world grieve and struggle, KP invites you to take a moment to reflect, meditate, pray, manifest and grapple with the question of what those of us who are not there can do. Links and Resources from this episode: How to Stop a Genocide (while in the global north), Hussan S.K The Inside Story Podcast: What Influence Can International Opinion Have on the War In Gaza? [Al Jazeera] Jewish Voice for Peace: visit this site for straightforward actions to take in the U.S.A Save Palestine: Justice for All Canada: visit this site for straightforward actions to take in Canada 5 Solidarity Actions You Can Take in the UK Do Better: Spiritual Activism for Fighting and Healing from White Supremacy by Rachel Ricketts @officialjakegyllenhalal MC Abdul Thank you to all of the friends of KP who lent their voices and their experiences to this episode.

The story underneath the story: what happened after we made “Movies In Your Head”. In a clawfoot bathtub moaning in agony, “The Shadows” was conceived. KP’s first serialized fiction show: the story of having to choose between romanticism and realism.  Does the fairy tale really exist? Or does it only exist at the beginning of a relationship? Our main character believes that she’ll be one of the outliers who will fall in love, and stay in love FOREVER.  Featuring: episode 1 of “The Shadows” from CBC Podcasts. Edited by Sharon Mashihi, senior produced by Phoebe Wang, written directed and performed by Kaitlin Prest. Performances by Mitchell Akiyama, Jessie Orr, Max Kelly, Bekky O’Neil, Meagan Castle, Harry Knazan, Rizz Young. Special thanks to Haley Lewis. You hear the real Rumi restaurant in this episode. You can find this beautiful establishment on rue Hutchinson in Montreal.

Have you ever fallen a little too hard a little too fast in love with someone you’ve just met? Have you ever caught yourself imagining the beautiful house in the country the two of you would grow old together in? We go back in time to the era before the term ‘ghosting’ had been coined and explore the phenomenon that Ayinde Bennett calls “making movies in your head”.  Featuring: the Prix Italia Gold Award winning radio play (the first podcast to win a Prix Italia! That’s some radio history!) co-created with composer and sound designer Shani Aviram. Associate production by Shira Bannerman, editing and performance by Mitra Kaboli, advising by Sharon Mashihi, performed written and directed by Kaitlin Prest, art by Jen Ng.

In the final episode of the series Kaitlin isn't sure whether or not she truly wants to get into it with her father. Kaitlin is conflicted. Is having one last conversation with her Dad on tape a good idea? Does she have the courage to confront her dad face to face? Resources for accountability and healing at https://www.theheartradio.org/dad

Episode 3: At age 33, Kaitlin is stranded living with her parents in Ottawa, living in their basement just like she did when she was a teenager. It's the first time she and her dad have lived together since the period the family euphemistically calls 'the dark years'. Trigger Warning - discussion and depictions of parental abuse. For resources go to theheartradio.org/dad

Episode 2: Kaitlin's father, Greg, proudly claims the title of mister mom in 1986. He's always wanted to be a dad. When the apple of his eye enters her tween years and starts hating him he struggles to be the kind of dad he thought he should be. Trigger Warning: topics related to parental abuse, trauma, self-gaslighting, gaslighting. For resources go to theheartradio.org/dad

Episode 1: Kaitlin and her Dad fought so much when she was a teenager that the family calls those years '“World War III”. She tells the story of what happened after she left home and decided to love him anyway. As she became an adult, therapists and friends urged her to examine what really happened in those years. When she tries to talk about it with the family, she knows she has a big decision to make. Trigger Warning: topics related to parental abuse, trauma, self-gaslighting, gaslighting, defensiveness, victim blaming Resources at theheartradio.org/dad

Kaitlin and Natalie Prest do a post-game analysis after creating the 5 episode series: SISTERS. The two sisters unpack all the things that didn’t get said in the narrative series, discuss topics that were raised and answer a couple of listener questions. The sisters open up about their personal experiences touching on topics such as mental health, diagnoses, self-care, borderline personality disorder, dialectical based therapy, and methods to ask for help from loved ones during times of struggle.

Kaitlin and Natalie try to create boundaries for the first time in their lifelong relationship. They work to navigate their relationship together and separately. As they embark on creating the final episode of this series, they realize they are having fun again.

We go back in time to before Kaitlin hired Natalie. She brings us inside of her uncertain world, and her journey to figure out what is wrong. TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal ideation, reference to childhood and sexual trauma (no depictions), borderline personality disorder

It’s the pandemic, and KP hires her younger sister to work at her company. As an assistant producer. Natalie is having flashbacks to their youth, when she performed as the butler at Kaitlin’s dinner parties. Is this the new version of the butler role? As they set out to make art together, attempting to do it in a way that doesn’t reinforce old childhood patterns Natalie finally sees who Kaitlin is on a day to day basis. TW: suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, alcohol.

Natalie and Kaitlin go into their 20s living separate and faraway lives. Kaitlin comes home from New York for christmas every year, and they hug and talk into the night, falling asleep spooning like they did when they were little girls. Kaitlin makes a grand gesture and buys tickets to go on a special sister adventure: to the Jem and Holograms Convention. What ends up happening at the convention is something neither of them saw coming.

Kaitlin was Daddy’s little girl. And then: Natalie was born. The older and the younger sister: competing for attention, being bossed around, borrowing clothes, getting in petty fights and loving each other anyway. As little girls Kaitlin and Natalie fought because they were too similar. As teenagers Kaitlin and Natalie fought because they were total opposites. What does their adult future hold? Will they be friends or a family obligation? TW: Light reference to abusive parental behaviour. No mentions of physical violence. For resources on parental child abuse go to theheartradio.org/sisters

She’s the talented one. She’s the hard worker. She’s the pretty one. She’s the one that Dad likes more….SISTERS. A preview into our newest series coming to you February 14th: on the day the world celebrates love, we celebrate Sisterhood. The new season is coming to you as part of a brand new partnership with the incredible: CBC Podcasts!

Welcome to The Heart. We’ve been in operation for 14 years! What’s next? An overview for those new to the feed. And a window into what double double toil and radio we’ve been cooking up for 2022. Support The Heart and donate to Radiotopia Now! https://on.prx.org/3HK9OIh. From the bottom of our hearts, Thank you!

Surprise, it’s a holiday special! Join us for a little queer holiday cheer as journalist America Stevens tracks down Santa’s older, gayer, drunker, sister… Sandy Claus. This piece is an adaptation of a live show written and performed by comedian, Kristen Becker. Produced by Katie Fitzgerald.

“You don’t know what it means to be Black because you don’t know what it means to be one thing. Who is when you know you are a brother and a son, a lover and a friend. Sometimes you say you’re Ivorian. And other times you say “je suis Ivorien” which means you feel more French than British until you go to France where your French isn’t French enough. When you come back, you feel more British than Ivorian, until you’re offered tea. Or learn something about this country that puts you on the outside again.” Axel Kacoutié’s sonic meditation on Blackness and identity. The final episode of our three part feature of Axel’s work. Originally produced for BBC Radio 4, Shortcuts. Edited by Eleanor McDowell. 

A dreamlike exploration of depression in the underground.  Inspired in part by a bruised and beautiful looking cloud at sunset, we follow Axel Kacoutié on a subway ride home.In response to Emily Dickinson's poem 'Hope is the thing with feathers', this work was originally produced for BBC’s Between the Ears, from Falling Tree Productions. Edited by the great Eleanor McDowall.

Love found in an unlikely place: a natural disaster. As we cozy down and prepare to say goodbye to 2020, The Heart is here to wish you all some pandemic love for 2021.

Melanie, her family (the voices in her head), and her ill-fated lover discuss potentially having a baby, and her first pregnancy 9 years ago. Appearances is an audio mindtrip by Sharon Mashihi and Mermaid Palace. Subscribe to the series where you listen to podcasts, or on MermaidPalace.org/Appearances.

All parents shape our identities. Phoebe’s affluent white parents made a particular set of choices to raise her in an all-white neighborhood with a sordid history. Phoebe investigates what she inherited as a result. Part 3 of a 3 part series. Produced by Phoebe Unter, edited by Sharon Mashihi and hosted by Kaitlin Prest.

In a community with a strict “no new white friends” policy, Phoebe asks: how does my being white affect our relationship? Part 2 of a 3 part series. Produced by Phoebe Unter, edited by Sharon Mashihi and hosted by Kaitlin Prest. Featuring Nicole Kelly & Kamala Puligandla.

Phoebe is surprised to learn that even she, an angry Jewish dyke, still participates in upholding white supremacy culture. Part 1 of a 3 part series. Produced by Phoebe Unter, edited by Sharon Mashihi and hosted by Kaitlin Prest.

Meet Goldie. The cycle begins, in episode 1 of Asking For It, a new fictional series from Mermaid Palace.

When trauma is held in the individual and collective body, shame, grief, and rage are passed down for generations. Part 3 of a 3 part series. Divesting From People Pleasing is a mini series produced by Nicole Kelly, edited by Chiquita Paschal, and hosted by Kaitlin Prest.

The body has information. Part 2 of a 3 part series. Divesting From People Pleasing is a mini series produced by Nicole Kelly, edited by Chiquita Paschal.

As NK gets older, she gets smaller, she gets more and more quiet. But the self loathing voice in her head just gets louder. Part 1 of a 3 part series. Divesting From People Pleasing is a mini series produced by Nicole Kelly, edited by Chiquita Paschal.

How NK & Phoebe fell in art love.

Named after the very bedroom within which many of the episodes of The Heart were made. In this ep you heard the singing of Sharon Mashihi and phone answering of Mooj Zadie. The manifesto writing of Nicole Kelly and Phoebe Unter, the mic meandering of Dylan Gauche, the phone answering of Mooj Zadie, the song of Drew Denny and Christina Gaillard and the big dream of Kaitlin Prest. Additional credits: Jen Ng, Mo LaBorde, Allie Pinel, Chiquita Paschal, AJ Moultrie, Sarah Rose, Allison Light, Caitlin Thompson, Rider Alsop, Bianca Grimshaw, Alexandria Fisk, and one long phone call with Jenna Weiss Berman. Extra special thanks to Jen Ng, our design queen. You can see her incredible work on the website, www.mermaidpalace.org.

It’s here. Finally. All 6 episodes of The Shadows, presented by Kaitlin Prest and CBC Podcasts. Subscribe to The Shadows. Follow on Insta / Twitter at @theshadowscbc. You can find our FB group here.

Kaitlin has a dream, and The Heart says goodbye (for now). Listen on headphones. Produced by Kaitlin Prest with help from Phoebe Wang. Thank you to all of the listeners who sent us your voices so KP could meet you on the moon. In this episode, you also heard the voices of Mitra Kaboli, Phoebe Wang, Jen Ng, Sharon Mashihi, Samara Breger, Meg Bell, Jessica Grosman, Pejk Malinovski, Sean Cole, Lulu Miller, Veronica Simmonds, Johnny Spence, Nancy Prest, Natalie Prest, Allen Watts and Brendan Baker. Music by Inne Eysermans, special thanks to Katharina Smets. If you wanna keep up with KP: ~*click here*~

In 2018, The Heart will be taking a break. ~* The Secret Link *~

Sharon is a weirdo and refuses to conform to cultural standards. Her mom does not approve. They confront their longstanding differences on a Persian self-help cruise.

Growing up, Phoebe was a Jesus kid. In college, after Tinder-swiping her way to gayness, she comes out to Christians and hopes that they’ll accept her. In this episode, Phoebe goes on a mission to find out how people with fundamentally different beliefs, can be friends.

There is a way that these narratives are supposed to go. But life isn’t simple and linear, it’s messy and loud, and everything keeps coming back again and again and again. This piece by Dylan Gauche won the Best Student award at the 2017 Hearsay International Audio Festival. [Trigger Warning]

Being a queer or trans person of color is hard anywhere, but can feel especially isolating if you’re living in Seattle, WA. A heavily fractured city that is undergoing massive gentrification. Darqness, an electronic music collective, is working to dismantle that and bring QTPOC together.  Producer Ellie Lightfoot, a Seattle native, spent the last year with this seven person crew to find out why these parties are so necessary.

Maria is a poet and activist living in Houston, Texas who Mitra spent a few days with.  Mitra got to meet some of Maria’s family, hung out with her pets and ate delicious food during her time with Maria. For Maria’s whole life all she has wanted was breasts. Big breasts to be specific. This story follows the poet, Maria from childhood to adolescence to womanhood.  In this piece you heard poetry from book Poetic Confessions Vol 1 and more.  To learn more about Maria’s work you can check out her website. Maria is also the co-founder of The National Women with Disabilities Empowerment Forum.

For years, Cassie has been plagued with an itch in her butt. The itch has travelled with her across the country, from one apartment to the next and transcended all of her major relationships. Cassie talks to past and present partners to see what they think she is up to when she is scratchin’ her bum late at night.

Meatis an international podcast created on the surface of a person’s skin. It is a vision of the world from the point of view of human flesh. In people’s everyday life, there’s a wall between their ideas, dreams and desires and the real world: our body. A cage for the human behaviour made by flesh and bones that affects the way we interact with the rest of the world: the sound of our voice, the line of our movements, the space we take up on a bus because of our weight, the dominant or submissive position we are forced to take when we argue with someone because of our height: our reality is a constant argument between what we have in our head and what the body we are born with is able to do. In the inaugural episode of Meat, Jonathan Zenti candidly and beautifully discusses his body and how he loves it despite the fact that not everybody else does. This episode was created for Radiotopia’s Podquest, by PRX and made possible with funds from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation.

Abigail wants to have penetrative sex but it’s not working. She is worried it’s her fault or at least her vagina’s fault. In her quest to find out why she cannot have penetrative sex, Abigail finds an essay called Frigid and a community of women who have similar issues. In talking to them she realizes that her partner’s are contributing force to her pain and discomfort during sex.

Samara and Kelsey got hitched. We celebrate their marriage by re-releasing this episode (originally ‘Samara + Kelsey’) with a life / wife update.   This episode was originally produced by Samara Breger with The Heart.

This story is part of Radiotopia’s network-wide theme, Doing Time. In the early 2000’s, Kathleen reads through the personal ads of a magazine; on a whim, she writes to a man. Thus begins a relationship with the greatest love of her life. ‘Private family visits’ is the correct term for conjugal visits. Its purpose is not just for sex, but to help maintain strong relationships between inmates and their families. Studies have shown that private family visits can help reduce recidivism. Original interviews by Dee LaComte.

Episode Four: Many listeners were left with lingering questions and thoughts after the first three episodes.  What do I tell my kids? What if my no DOES mean yes? What role does alcohol play in consent? In this episode, some Heart producers and Samara Breger (our trusted sex educator) unpack some blind spots and larger themes around consent. [Trigger Warning] Part of “No”, a mini-season. Produced with the generous support of the IWMF.

Episode Three: Kaitlin’s search for the answer to why coercion is so omnipresent lands her in one obvious place. Straight, cis-gendered men. In this episode, Kaitlin consults the men in her life that she trusts the most to see if they had ever pressured someone into having unwanted intimacy. But she knows she cannot end her search here. [Trigger Warning] Part of “No”, a mini-season. Produced with the generous support of the IWMF.

Episode Two: We catch up to Kaitlin while she is in her mid-twenties, waiting to fall in love. [Trigger Warning] Part of “No”, a mini season. Produced with the generous support of the IWMF.

Episode One: We meet young Kaitlin as she navigates her first sexual experiences and the confusions of girlhood. [Trigger Warning] Part of “No”, a mini-season. Produced with the generous support of the IWMF.

Our new season, starting May 9th. Kaitlin explores her sexual boundaries from youth to adulthood.

Arranged marriages, although they sound scary to our Western ears, are considered extremely successful. Divorce rates are much lower. But those are statistics. What about being in love with the person that you married? A Harvard study found that partners in arranged marriages, over time, end up being more in love than couples who marry for love. Our friend Ryan Kailath has known this his whole life, because he grew up with it. His parents met for 15 minutes before they married. *Includes the trailer for our upcoming season, “No.”

Local Honey is a transfemme performance artist and musician living in New Orleans. Let her modulated voice and soft giggles croon you into her reality, where feminine sound is a weapon, a force, a celebration. Local Honey explores family, performance, noise, trauma and gender. Ep 4 of ‘Pansy’: A season where masculinity and femininity meet. Credits: Writing and music by Local Honey. Production support from Julia Alsop. Editorial Support from Cassie Wagler. Special thanks to Julia Serano.

Some say there are as many genders as there are people.  And even more ways to creatively think about and claim them. In this story, Allen’s gender is complicated by a discovery he makes through meditation. Ep 3 of ‘Pansy’: A season about where masculinity and femininity meet. Credits:   Written and produced by Allen J. Watts. Production support from Julia Alsop. Editorial support from Cassie Wagler.

Blake’s crushing. Hard. On his new best friend and favorite person: Korry. They spend every day together. They sleep in the same bed together. They plan their futures together. But there are signs that show that Korry might not be feeling the same way about Blake. Blake begins to suspect it has something to do with the fact that Korry’s attracted to straight-acting, masculine-looking, manly men.   And Korry’s not alone. In this episode, we continue our conversation on gender and femininity and look at what happens when we move out of the heterosexual dating world and into the queer one. Kaitlin assumed that gay and queer life is one big femme-loving genderfuck. But flipping through gay hook-up apps, it’s easy to spot a “no fats, no femmes” trend. So what’s the deal? Ep 2 of “Pansy”: A season about where masculinity and femininity meet. Credits:   Produced with Julia Alsop. Editorial support by Cassie Wagler. Special thanks to the folks at the Food 4 Thot Podcast and to Julia Serano.

Todd once loved a woman. And she loved him back, but there was one thing that she just couldn’t get over, he twirls. This piece explores what it means to be effeminate when you’re a straight cis-dude. Kaitlin talks to men who embrace and resist their femininity. Ep 1 of “Pansy”: A season of stories about letting your feminine flag fly. Produced with help from Julia Alsop and editorial support from Cassie Wagler. Special thanks to Julia Serrano.

Featuring never-before-heard scenes and a post-award interview with Mariya Karimjee, this is an extended version of the award winning documentary, “Mariya.” A story about Mariya’s journey to figure out sex after FGM. Released in May 2016, “Mariya” received the Gold Award (Best Documentary) at the Third Coast International Audio Festival. Mariya Karimjee is a writer based in Karachi, Pakistan. Read her original essay here. Editorial support from Brendan Baker, Allen Watts, Kelsey Padgett, Samara Breger and Nadia Bajwa. Additional support from Kari June. Another version of this story can be heard on This American Life.

Have you ever had a friend you thought you might be in love with? Have you ever slept in a bed beside this person, and wondered if your hand was grazing yours on purpose? Sharon receives emails from Harry, a not-so-secret admirer. It’s her best friend Kaitlin. Sharon is (mostly) straight, but could Kaitlin be the man of her dreams? Years after Kaitlin wrote those emails, the two friends sit down to talk about them and what they meant. They ask each other the questions that have always been beneath the surface of their friendship. This episode was originally produced by Kaitlin Prest and Sharon Mashihi for the Love Letters episode of Audio Smut in 2014.

This episode is a rerun of Mouthwash, in honor of the late Helen Breger and all of our grandparents’ salacious histories. Produced by Samara Breger with The Heart.

In a suitcase full of books and papers there is a little notebook with a bear sitting alone in a hot air balloon. This journal is one of the only things Alex saved when they got rid of all their possessions and moved to Ohio. The journal is filled with accounts of the life and the love they left behind. This episode was written by Alex DiFrancesco with production help from Julia Alsop. Alex DiFrancesco’s work has appeared in The Carolina Quarterly, The New Ohio Review, and Brevity. Their first novel, a radical acid western called [The Devils That Have Come to Stay](https://www.amazon.com/Devils-That-Have-Come-Stay-ebook/dp/B00T4VVCE4/ref=redirmobiledesktop?ie=UTF8&noEncodingTag=1&qid=1422649392&redirectFromSS=1&ref=tmmkintitle0&sr=8-1), was published in 2015.

Ashley’s Livejournal features the angsty outpourings of a teenager from the early 2000s living in Southwest Florida. Just like many who came of age at the time, she flushed feelings out into the anonymous online public. Looking back on these entries, Ashley tries to read into what was really happening beneath the surface.

At the back of a closet, in a cardboard box, writer Tina Horn’s diaries gather dust. In the box there are girlhood diaries covered in collages of unicorns, dragons and David Duchovny. There are mixtapes with fat multicolored glitter and there are simple, spiral bound notebooks filled with obscenities. This episode is part of the Diaries mini season and was written by Tina Horn. Tina is a Lambda Literary Fellow and the recipient of two Feminist Porn Awards. Check out Tina’s podcast and more.

Writer Molly Osberg has carried her journals to every house she’s lived in since 2007. They’re decorated with pictures of her and her friends’ faces smooshed together, one friend in particular; Amelia. Molly and Amelia met in detention and were inseparable for most of high school. Together they learned how to become the people that they are today. This episode is part of the Diaries mini season, and was written by Molly Osberg. Special thanks to Allen Watts, John Walker and Amelia.

Sophie Townsend has been a widow for a year and a half. She is too busy taking care of her children to entertain the idea of dating, until a man compliments her shoes. Voicing by Andy Leonard. Produced by CBC’s Love Me with Sophie Townsend.

A conversation between mother, Sophie Townsend and daughter, Anna about Mr. Fix-it, husband and father. Produced by Sophie Townsend and Marty Peralta for The Hearsay International Audio Festival.

Episode four of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. In the final episode of the Silent Evidence mini-season, Kaitlin and Tennessee sit down and talk about what happened and didn’t happen in the last three episodes. Discussion topics in this episode: Dr. Youssefi, Restorative Justice, Being in Crisis, & Silence. Find out more aboutSilent Evidence. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi and Mitra Kaboli. Assistant Production by Ashley Cortez. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard G. Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Episode three of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. In episode three, a court case unfolds. Tennessee decides to call the cops and tell them about what happened with Dr. Youseffi. Detective Kimberly Norton picks Tennessee up at the airport in Virginia so she can file an official report. What Tennessee and Detective Norton discover is that Tennessee is not alone. Four women come forward, in three different counties. Only one prosecutor picks up the case. Find out more about Silent Evidence. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi and Mitra Kaboli. Additional help reporting by Jocelyn Frank. Assistant Production by Ashley Cortez. Editorial advising by Pejk Malinovski. Music by Matthew Daher. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard G. Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Episode two of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. In Episode two, Tennessee tries to reconcile with the abuse that she suffered. From performance art to installations to hair-brained schemes, Tennessee feels a little better every time she asks people to listen to her story. However, she has underestimated Dr. Youseffi’s impact on her life. She decides to confront him at the gym. Find out more about Silent Evidence here. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Episode one of Silent Evidence; one woman’s story of childhood sexual abuse. Tennessee Watson is a documentarian and artist who has been struggling to speak out about something that happened to her when she was a kid, something that she knew was wrong. When Tennessee was seven her gymnastics coach fondled her vulva. In part one of Silent Evidence, Tennessee takes us in and out of her memories, from childhood to adolescence as she comes to terms with what happened to her and finally revisiting the gym where she was abused. Find out more about Silent Evidence here. Produced by Tennessee Watson and Kaitlin Prest, with The Heart. Editing by Sharon Mashihi. This project was made possible with funding from the IWMF Howard Buffett Fund for Women Journalists.

Based on the 2015 essay from The Big Roundtable, writer Mariya Karimjee takes us on a journey from her childhood in Pakistan, to her adolescence in Texas, through college, all the way to where she is now, back in Pakistan as she navigates family, love, her body and her personal relationships, all despite the physical and emotional trauma that she has suffered. Mariya Karimjee is a writer based in Karachi, Pakistan. Read her original essay here. Editorial support from Brendan Baker, Allen Watts, Kelsey Padgett, Samara Breger and Nadia Bajwa. Additional support from Kari June. Another version of this story can be heard on This American Life.

We end our series with a final ghost; it’s you. Every time I hear that song, you’re next to me. Whether I like it or not. In a cafe, in my bedroom, when I watch that stupid vampire series. The ache pains me but what’s worse is knowing that some day, maybe not too long from now, the pain will go away. Special thanks to Damien Luxe who voiced this story for us.

Kari is nothing like the actresses in the scenes that she films. She’s tall, robust, the kind of girl who can pick up a camera and take it where it needs to go. Violet, on the other hand, is petite and soft. She’s got a body that’s made for the kind of sex you see in porn. Kari knows first hand because Kari is the camera operator for Violet’s porn shoots. But the scene that looms largest in Kari’s head was one she didn’t film. It’s Violet’s scene with Brian, Kari’s current boyfriend, Violet’s ex. Violet was Brian’s big love and Kari is nothing like her.

Does love ever really die? Even though Kaitlin has a beautiful boyfriend she still hears the ghost of those she once loved ring in her ears. But, there’s another ghost in her life; her boyfriend’s current love. This ghost disturbs her. It angers her. It brings out a side of her that she wishes would go away. Produced for Falling Tree Productions, as heard on BBC’s Between the Essays series with editing by Sharon Mashihi.

Powerful memories are like paused tapes in our minds – a hum barely heard beneath the noise of our everyday – ready to be played at any moment. This audio fiction explores the process of falling in love with someone, fading away and eventually discovering all that you have left of them is a memory. Carter, our narrator, is on a present-day first date with Frankie but is distracted by memories of past lover, Alex, which play like a tape in his head. But with each replaying, the tapes seem to have warped, or maybe Carter has. Produced by Dane Stewart, Katie Hill, Matthew Kariatsumari and Michelle Macklem. Special thanks to Renée Hodgins, Emily Skahan and Mira Burt-Wintonick.

A personal account of the haunting absence of a lost love. This is a story about grief, loss and reaching for freedom. The sense of emptiness that comes after saying, I love you, every day until, suddenly, you don’t. But the love is never truly gone. It’s with you always, leaning over your shoulder as you rediscover a world in which it no longer exists. This episode was originally produced for The Hearsay Audio Festival. Special thanks to Kelsey Padgett, A.C. Valdez and Allen Watts.

At the beginning of a relationship, the small decisions feel like big decisions: When to text? What to wear on the second date? How naked to get. For Samara and Kelsey, the first decisions were a bit bigger. When Samara’s dad was hospitalized for a mysterious, dangerous illness, Kelsey decided to move in with Samara and spend every night at the hospital with her and her family. As the two fell in love within the cold, stale confines of the hospital, a new decision appeared on the horizon: Would they keep loving each other when things were okay? Or did they need chaos and tragedy to keep them going?

You’ve got a squeeze on Christmas Eve? You know you’ll have their lovin’ — but what about ol’ Mrs. Claus? Her man’s out — she’s got nuffin! In our retelling of “The Night Before Christmas,” join lonely Mrs. Claus as she searches for affection in the most unlikely of places.

Idiot + Dummy met where many boneheads meet: in grad school. One night, they ran into each other on the subway. The two are alike in a lot of ways. They both stay up late, go to punk shows and raves, do drugs, and have sex — lots and lots of sex. As the two get closer, commitment and monogamy become harder and harder to negotiate. Idiot flees from her true feelings as she gets blindsided by a Dummy. Written & produced by Julia Alsop in collaboration with The Heart. Voice Acting by Brian Dolphin, Julia Alsop, Jenn Custard & Sophie Traub. Special thanks to Allen Watts, Max Pearl, Pizza Haus & the original “Dummy.”

Desiray felt a deep, human connection the moment she first heard his voice: Aaron Carter spoke to her through his music. When Desiray was down, Aaron always cheered her up. When she needed him, his music was always there. And when they finally met, it was almost as if Aaron could read her mind. Maybe the deep, human connection Desiray felt as a kid was real. Dozens of concerts later, Desiray and Aaron are almost friends — almost. Now Desiray wonders: “Can a fan ever be a true friend?” Does Aaron value her as a friend, or as a fan? And if she’s just a fan like any other, can she live with it? This story was produced by Galen Koch in collaboration with The Heart. Special thanks to Kelsey Padgett, Justine Champine, Desiray Roy, and Aaron Carter.

Vibrators have been the friend of the female orgasm for over a century now. Back in the 1800s you could only get access to one via a doctor’s appointment. To cure your irrational woman feelings, hysteria. When they started selling them for home use in the 20th century, companies made up weird, fake uses for them; nail buffing tools,special attachments for vacuum cleaners, etc. One very popular way to market the vibrator was to call it a back massager. Probably thousands of different vibrator have come and gone but there is one that has outlasted them all and maybe will go on into the future as the queen of vibrators: The Hitachi Magic Wand.

Being naked can be scary. There you are, your whole self. No decorations, no cool skirt or shoes or shorts to look at instead of…you. This story is about one special woman, our naked hero. After undergoing surgery and getting an ostomy (a bag that sits on your hip that your poop goes into), being naked was forever changed. Nonetheless, our hero decided to continue frequenting her favorite nude beach, walking naked and free all summer long. This piece, originally titled after our hero’s Zine, “My Pink Button”, was produced by Jess MG and aired on Audio Smut a long long time ago.

Once upon a time, Kaitlin went to a radical sex education workshop. At the workshop, the facilitators spent 45 minutes going into extreme detail of the complexities of the female system of sexual arousal. Then they spent 15 minutes on the male system. The facilitator insinuated that it was very simple – touch the dick, make him come. During the question and answer period the male bodied people in the room protested, insisting that the male anatomy is just as mysterious and complicated as the female anatomy. This is when Kaitlin learned about the P-spot – the prostate orgasm. One Saturday night, Kaitlin ventured onto St. Laurent Boulevard in Montreal and asked strangers if they had ever had their P-spots touched. This is a collage of their answers.

Once upon a time, we did an episode about what happens when there is too much going on sexually. The Ethical Slut says that love isn’t finite. Loving more than one person means having more love instead of less. This can be true. However, love is a complicated emotion. And sex can often be wrapped up in all these complicated and conflicting emotions. More isn’t always better. This story was submitted to The Heart by an anonymous Dominatrix and written for podcast by Julia Alsop.

Most people remember the first time they got off, most of us conveniently forget the era before that when we have no idea what masturbation was. When all we knew is what felt good. We develop strategies that seemed very innocent to us at the time. We didn’t know that there is a name for this kind of feeling good. Or, that certain things that feel good are supposed to be done in private. There was a time when nothing had names and we were just kids.

In the summer of 1960 Joan Nestle was 20 years old and in love. At the time she lived in a Lower East Side tenement apartment and the city was hot, sweaty and humid. Joan and her girlfriend Carol would ride the subway for an hour and half to Riis Park. Riis Park was and still is an easily accessible queer beach in New York. Joan wrote about these memories in her book, A Restricted Country. Beach goer and producer Cassie Wagler brings us her adaptation of one of the essays found in Joan’s book – Lesbian Memories 1: Riis Park 1960. Poet Iris Cushing is the voice of Joan. Joan Nestle is a femme, a lesbian, a writer, activist and editor, and a scholar of butch-femme history and theory. In 1974 she co-founded the Lesbian Herstory Archives – and the archives were housed in her apt for years. You can read more of Joan’s work on her blog.

At 5 years old, Gina was parading around the stage with a number pinned to her chest. But as the host of The Little Miss America Competition sang the national anthem, she felt he might have as well been singing,“You’re so whiiiiite, you’re so bloooooonde.” Even still, Gina, the toothless, black Shirley Temple, made it to the final round. When she didn’t hear her number called she looked out into the sea of eager parents and found her parents. Her mother, sullen and disappointed. Next to her mother, sat her father with tears streaming down his face. From that point on all Gina wanted to was to be seen, to fit in and to be beautiful. By the time Gina was 24, she didn’t feel too different from that little pageant girl. She got into theater school but her optimism didn’t last. Soon after getting accepted she was drinking beer for breakfast, failing her classes, and fantasizing about skipping town. That’s in addition to the issues she was having with her boyfriend…

Badger Clark is remembered for shaping the poetry of the Old West with striking impressions of the cowboy life. But his poem “The Lost Pardner” about the intimate love of two cowboys has a special kind of beauty. It points to the often forgotten queerness of frontier life, where there was plenty of space to be alone and plenty of cowboys to be alone with. Badger Clark wasn’t the only one out there. Queer fur trappers, stagecoach drivers, European explorers, and poets, like Clark, made their way out west looking for the freedom of a new context. And for many of them, that’s what they found.

Just after the new year, Kaitlin and Mitra take a business trip to small town Ontario to meet Steffy. At six foot two inches, Stefonknee is the tallest six year old you will ever meet. Of course, she isn’t actually six. She is an age-player, meaning she likes to pretend to be a kid. She fluidly moves in and out of her six year old self and her adult self. In addition to her male and female identities. Steffy is in a place of peace with her identities after a very traumatic falling out with her family, which for trans folks, is unfortunately, not uncommon. Here are the results of a 2011 survey the American trans community. The National Center for Transgender Equality is launching another survey this summer. You can sign up to take the survey or help distribute it here. In addition to our dynomite team, this story could not have been possible without the help of so many people. Production Assistance by Maria Dønvang. Editorial Advising by Julia Alsop, Brendan Baker, Kelsey Padgett, Tina Horn and Ignacio Rivera. The biggest thanks to Mummy & Daddy and of course, Stefonknee Wolscht.

Our friend Dr. Emily Nagoski debunks tired, widely held ideas about sex and replaces them with perfectly clear, scientifically sound explanations. One of those new ideas totally blew our minds, so we’re bringing you our take on the “Dual Control Model.” Dr. Nagoski has compiled all of her brilliance into a book, called “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Change Your Sex Life,” in stores now. Trust us, it’s a good read. If you’d like a fun illustrated guide that explains the model, check out Oh Joy Sex Toy’s version (the best webcomic in the world).

A one day’s love has a life cycle. It’s born, it lives a very brief life, and then it dies. That’s it. It’s usually cut short by circumstance, often by time or distance. Sometimes there’s only enough magic for the one night for one night of connection–just a little bit of love. But what if there’s a chance that there’s a little more magic left? Can a one day’s love live another day? After a whirlwind night on the subway with a mysterious man with an easy laugh and terrible taste in music, Caroline decided to give her one day’s love a second chance. This second installment in our “One Day’s Love” series is about trying to turn one special moment into many special moments. Can it be done?

Eintagsliebe, a sort of real German word meaning one day’s love. Or, a fling. This can be analogous to the mayfly, eintagsfliege. The mayfly sneaks in through an open window, lives her little mayfly life to the fullest, perhaps even finding her true mayfly love. Then before she knows it, death has overtaken her. She lies limply in the windowsill. It was Friday October 26th 2012 and Hurricane Sandy was slowly descending upon New York City. Mitra was at dinner with Kaitlin, feeling a bit down in the dumps, she decided to make a love plan that turned into a prophecy. Upon Mitra’s return home, she finds a man sitting on her couch that she cannot deny her attraction to. This series is an ode to the short and sweet moments in life, the ones you can never get over. The moments that you wish lasted longer because they were so intense, so perfect, so everything you’ve ever wanted to feel with another human being. You wish you could document every second of your parallel existences together, to show the world, that your love is the best. But you don’t because, much like the mayfly, it’s going to be over before it can ever really start. This story was produced with help from Lucas Adams. Lucas draws cartoons. You can find some of this work here. The song, Eintagsliebe by Marteria was a huge inspiration for this series. Listen to it here and be inspired. Special thanks to Daniel Gross and Michele Robinson for confirming that Eintagsliebe could in fact be a german word.

It was sometime in the early years of their marriage when Gerda Weganer asked her husband, Einar, to dress in women’s clothes and sit for a painting. The intended subject was running late, and suggested to Gerda that Einar be her stand in. “His legs and feet are as pretty as mine,” she said. All dressed up in a wig, painted with rouge and powders, and buckled into high-heeled shoes, Einar, now Lili, looked into the mirror with a singular wonder: “Was it really possible that I could be so good looking?” So begins the story of Lili Elbe, a transgender painter and painter’s muse, who underwent one of the first series of modern gender confirmation surgeries. Her third surgery, meant to implant a uterus, eventually killed her, but not before she documented her life stories into papers that would later be compiled into the book, Man into Woman. Lili Elbe’s hope was that her book fall into the hands of people like her. She wanted her words to help generations of trans people know that they weren’t alone. Unfortunately, the book is out of print. So when we got our hands on a copy, we couldn’t wait to share one of our favorite scenes, Lili’s christening night. Here’s a little history, from The Heart.

It’s fun to try to be beautiful when people are giving you positive attention for it. It hurts if you’re not meeting that standard and people treat you like you aren’t even there. You watch the people who are getting a lot of positive attention for being that certain kind of beautiful and you are made to feel invisible. Or worse, people go out of their way to make you feel bad. It’s hard to be a woman, yes. It’s a lot harder to be a woman who’s hairier, wider, bigger, taller, square instead of round, straight up and down instead of curvy, big hands, big feet, no vagina and maybe no breasts either. A woman who isn’t quite looking like what some people think a woman should look like. But who is finding her way. To these women, the world can be downright cruel. More than cruel, violent. Harassment often escalates into assault, and more often than you would like to hear, escalates into full on homicide. For these women, being womanly in the way we are told we have to is sometimes about more than beauty. It’s about survival. This episode is about the story of one woman’s quest for beauty. It was a collaboration with badass poet and radio maker, Julia Alsop. After we finished production we invited Zil Goldstein into my walk-in closet magic sound booth to talk through some of the blind spots in the story. Zil is a nurse practitioner, working specifically to help medical providers be more LGBT aware. If you are interested in learning more about the disproportionate amount of violence that trans women face theNational Coalition Against Violence Project puts out a yearly report.

Short and Sweet: Mid month we bring you something short. Whitney Jones (producer at PITCH) tells us about his first love, and 27 other firsts in chronological order. Originally produced on Cowbird.  You will also hear some previews of first kisses, which we’ll be sharing at our Launch Party.  

When we do something for the first time, we enter into a world with new rules. It’s the creation of a new path, a new possibility. We meet this threshold with no knowledge of what will happen, how we or the world will react. Once the rules of the game change, once we do something that we’ve never done before, the question of how to navigate the new world is what comes next. What do we do after the first kiss? Will it give way to the first holding of hands, the first public display of affection, the first sex, the first week sleeping in someone else’s bed every night? Or will it be the first, but also — the last? This is a story featuring Drew Denny, a singer, songwriter, filmmaker and artist. You can check out her first feature film here.

A radio show is born.  Again. We all go through phases and have an identity crisis or three. Audio Smut started as an hour long broadcast radio show at CKUT in Montreal, and has transformed into a delicately crafted podcast now part of PRX’s Radiotopia network. We cordially welcome you to The Heart.

An Interlude. This is an interview about necking (or lack thereof). A kiss over time: at the beginning, in the middle, at the end. If you don’t like how somebody kisses, can you grow into it? Samara’s Grandma tells us her story. This episode is part of our kissing series. If you want to hear more, go here: http://audiosmut.tumblr.com/

Episode Twelve. Kaitlin and Kyle. They met at a kissing booth. On their first date they went on a recording adventure (for one of the early Audio Smut documentaries about the Drag Queens). They became obsessed with each other. They ended up making audio recordings of a lot of almost everything that happened between them. This is the last episode of the season. It is also the last episode of Audio Smut. Don’t cry! We will be starting something new in a few months, better and more beautiful than ever before.

Episode Eleven. Audio Smut presents: a radio play. This episode was a documentary experiment, produced in collaboration with composer Shani Aviram. We set out asking questions about how perception is altered in early romantic relationships. How does your sense of reality fail you when you’re falling in love? After months of research and 17 interviews, we decided to write a single narrative encompassing the experiences and facts we unearthed.

A Quickie. Behold the almighty power of the V. Vaginas can hold the largest and smallest of objects with barely the slightest uncomfort. So it just makes sense to stash your weed in there. Star reporter, Ruth Eddy tells us how she came to use her natural pocket.

Episode Ten. This episode is about growing up, becoming an adult, entering a stage of independence: shaving cream, tampons, driving, voting, doing your own dishes, doing your own taxes and sex. This episode will take you on a path of rituals, formal or otherwise.

Episode Nine. The written word: a way to fuel a romance, a way to capture someone’s attention, a way to break up. We read people’s most private letters, and tell the story of the relationships that were made and broken by them.

A Quickie. In 1909, James Joyce wrote his wife, Nora Barnacle, a series of very sexy letters. While her side of the correspondence has been lost, we still have Joyce’s letters–and they’re really good. In this quickie, we’re reading you one of our favorites.

(Welcome to Season Two) FU*K LOVE. Family. Responsibility. Survival. Economic Stability. These were once much more important to things to build your life on. This episode looks at the ideal of true love, how it came to be and what exists outside of it.

A Quickie: Do you believe in true love? Does it really exist, or is it just a mythology made up by Hollywood? How would you define true love? Jonathan Goldstein shares his thoughts on this Valentine’s Day special.

Episode Seven. Psychologist and sexologist, John Money came up with the theory of a lovemap. A lovemap is a template. It’s a template that we are constantly measuring our sexual and romantic experiences against. It’s the map of what we like, who we like and how we like it. Money’s idea is that we all have one, and they tend to be pretty specific, right down to how exactly you need to be touched to have an orgasm. In this episode of Audio Smut we explore different kinds of lovemaps; sexual lovemaps that deviate from preconceived notions of what is suppose to happen when one body meets another, dating lovemaps unveiling our tendencies in relationships and finally, the physical map of touch.  

A Quickie: This quickie is a history- a love map, if you will- of how Kaitlin manages to be such a productive person. Also, this is the reason why Kaitlin insists on holding our meetings in coffee shops. Here, the lines between public and private, work and pleasure, get a little blurry. Check it out at In the Dark Radio’s installation at the Latitude festival (http://www.inthedarkradio.org/?page\_id=799).

Episode Six Homelessness isn’t really something that can be easily defined. Sometimes people make choices, other times people have no choices. In this episode, we have three situations from three very different people about how they managed to get by.

A Quickie: Keith’s virginity story. Keith is and always has been an extremely charming man. I know it was the 90s, but there is nothing charming about a yellow jumpsuit. Poor clothing choices aside, Keith still proves to be a chick magnet. If you love this story, stay tuned for our next episode coming out on Sunday July 7th where you will hear more of Keith plus some other truly incredible tales.

Episode Five. It’s your highschool sex ed class. Mrs. Green is going to play a movie. You are very excited. The room goes dark, the movie begins. You’re already a little bit aroused; you’ve seen pornography before but never in public with all your friends. Until you see the VAGINAS DESTROYED FOREVER because of unprotected sex. Penises OOZING MYSTERY SLIME never to ejaculate normally again! Encrusted growths! Rotting flesh! You carry a mortal fear of STIs for your entire adult life. Until you get one.

A Quickie: What will people think? This story happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of Audio Smut Producer, Erin. When surfing the Casual Encounters on Craigslist one must be prepared to be surprisingly turned on. Things get hot on there. Our shero finds a posting that speaks to her. She is turned on and cannot get this man’s fantasy out of her mind. She is so struck that she responds. She has never responded to a Craigslist ad. She is terrified, excited, and extremely nervous. Tonight, we go to the movies.

Episode Four. The good times and the bad times of making babies. Babies being born is a topic we accidentally avoid on audio smut. But the fact is, we have bodies that make us babies and sex is involved, albeit in many different ways. In this episode, we look at three different stories of babies being born.

A Quickie: The time that god punished you for having a threesome with my sister. Devon is one of Kaitlin’s oldest friends from high school. They now live in different cities and see each other yearly if they’re lucky. Kaitlin’s sister recently moved Toronto. The rest of this story is in the gutter, literally. Devon has a very sensitive stomach. He ate too much curry and spicy peppers on the night that was to end with him and two beautiful, naked women. A dream come true, right?

Episode Two. Seriously, what’s the big deal. In this episode, we tackle one of the biggest taboos. We eat food, everyday and eventually that food has to come out. Yeah it’s gross and stinky but it is one of the most natural things that our body does. Nonetheless, it’s quite common for people to have hang ups around anything that has to do with butts.

A Quickie: We bring to you a surprising letter from Mozart.

Episode One. Experience more than sight, sound, smell, taste, touch. Venture with us beyond the 5-way sense scape.