372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

It’s cozy season! It’s cruise season! Wait, can it be BOTH?? Get the book here https://amzn.to/4fzHWa1 (affiliate link) If you supported the podcast on Patreon you’d have already been cozy for a week because we post every episode there a week early! Plus we have another ENTIRE PODCAST on there where we try to solve … Continue reading "Ep 175 – Book 31: The Quilting Cruise"

Support the podcast on Patreon where you can hear our latest attempts to solve insane Encyclopedia Brown mysteries with special guests Alex Schmidt, John Hodgman, and David Roth! https://patreon.com/372pages Finally, the most pressing questions are answered: who is Mrs. Juneanne Stackpoole? Will Anselmo be as big a character as we always assumed? What’s the latest … Continue reading "Ep 174 – Tek Kill – Ep 4"

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get every episode early as well as all the other fun stuff we talk about on these eps! https://patreon.com/372pages We have what you all crave: tantalizing new facts about Sid. Also, without noting it we meet what we have to imagine is the 750th character in this relatively … Continue reading "Ep 173 – Tek Kill – Ep 3"

Support the podcast on Patreon. Special guest have started joining us for 280 Mysteries! https://patreon.com/372pages We’ve kept you waiting long enough: time to find out the moisture level of Sid’s facial hair and to name the implement or implements he uses to groom it. Also, our experimental Real or FanFic continues to go swimmingly / … Continue reading "Ep 172 – Tek Kill – Ep 2"

Support the podcast on Patreon so you can hear our recap of the previous 7 books in the series, Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, and all the other stuff we talk about in this episode! http://patreon.com/372pages So many characters! Why? Ok, we’ve calmed down now. We’re back in the Tek-verse. We’re happy, I wouldn’t hesitate to say, … Continue reading "Ep 171 – Tek Kill – Ep 1"

If you were on Patreon this would be old news because we announced it there a week ago! Support the podcast here: patreon.com/372pages The new book is announced! Since it is one of a series, we bring everyone up to date with excerpts of previous books AND Mike tells another story about his dad (squeamish … Continue reading "Ep 170 – Book 30 Announcement: Tek Kill"

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can hear us chat with Paul Scheer and find out what our next book is before anybody else! http://patreon.com/372pages Our final episode of Ernest Cline’s Bridge to Bat City and it may not surprise you learn that Cline wraps everything up in exactly the way you’d expect him to. … Continue reading "Ep 169 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 5 – Bat Dance"

Don’t be a Muckerno, support the Podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, plus a ton of other bonus stuff that we don’t put on the free feed! https://patreon.com/372pages Shocking – truly SHOCKING – news that will shake up the 372 community almost as much as the scandal surrounding our last cozy mystery. … Continue reading "Ep 168 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 4 – Welcoming"

Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, plus hear Mike’s Bat Story, Conor’s Paul Harvey tapes, an entire bonus podcast about Encyclopedia Brown and more! https://patreon.com/372pages Bats can read! Or they can’t! But we know they spread mojo which causes people to groove. That’s just science. Mike does Real or Fanfic (“does” in … Continue reading "Ep 167 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 3 – Weird"

Support the podcast on Patreon and get to hear stuff we don’t post anywhere else! This week included Mike’s dramatic courtroom reading of a Prince song and Conor’s epic roast of a 70 year old folk son. http://patreon.com/372pages Witness the exact moment that Cline fully becomes Cline! Also, lots of mean-spirited men in hard hats, … Continue reading "Ep 166 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 2 – Suddenly"

Support the Patreon to mainline Cline before anyone else! You’ll also get to hear our other podcast 280 Mysteries We’ll Never Get Back on off weeks! https://patreon.com/372pages Ernest Cline, the founder of our feast here at 372 Pages, is back with another book, Bridge to Bat City. A day after its release, Conor and Mike … Continue reading "Ep 165 – Bridge to Bat City – Ep 1 – Yucking the Yums"

Thank you to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, get an entire other podcast you won’t find anywhere else, and learn about the next book before anyone else! You’d have to be a real U-ket to miss out! https://patreon.com/372pages We end it. The book, that is. Not the … Continue reading "Ep 164 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 5 – Monchi"

Support the Patreon and get every episode a week early, plus access to an entire second podcast, contests, and more! http://patreon.com/372pages Look, yes, it’s longer than a normal episode. But to answer your question we’re less picky about the typos than we have been for the last three episodes!! There is in the middle of … Continue reading "Ep 163 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 4 – Justly"

Don’t be a Monchi, support the podcast with a Patreon subscription! https://patreon.com/372pages Read along with us! Ebook available here. (affiliate link) Hey, hey! Under three hours, a truly compact episode. But the creatures mentioned continue to get stranger and more macabre: Demons, Gryphons, Nryphons, the Balls (Fire and Sylvia), Clam Woman, Man Mom and Almost … Continue reading "Ep 162 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 3 – Miel"

Support the podcast on Patreon! It’s what Sylvia Ball would do. Look, we can explain – there’s just so much to cover! Every single sentence, every exchange, every plot advancement brings whole new galaxies of madness. Included in the mighty length of this episode are some Dumb Sentences (along with a new theme!) and see … Continue reading "Ep 161 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 2 – De Nada"

Support the podcast on Patreon to gain our eternal trust and respect! http://patreon.com/372pages Thus, an epic episode. The, longest, maybe, ever? (just making sure your reading the book…….) True and utter madness, like nothing we’ve ever read before on 372 Pages. Seriously. It is not hyperbole; this is deranged, and you must read along, if … Continue reading "Ep #160 – Kaileb’s Dream – Ep 1: A Beef Stew Amuse Bouche"

Join the 372 Patreon where all the crazy stuff happens! Get every episode a week early, plus our sub-podcast where we try to solve insane Encyclopedia Brown mysteries, and much more! http://patreon.com/372pages Spoiler: frosting is discussed at some length. As are dreams, and if there’s anything more exciting than hearing about someone else’s dream, I’D … Continue reading "Ep 159 – New Year, New Book! (Book 28: Kaileb’s Dream)"

Thanks to everyone who supported the podcast on Patreon this year. We absolutely would not do it if you weren’t there for us. Join the fun next year! http://patreon.com/372pages We end the year with absolutely blockbuster news. Seriously, a twist so shocking that no cozy writer could ever conceive of it. We won’t spoil it, … Continue reading "Ep 158- A Christmas Killer Affair – Ep 2"

Support the podcast on Patreon! By the time this posts, we’ll already have posted the next episode on there! http://patreon.com/372pages Time to check in with Murphy, Carmen, Ophelia, Uncle Kidd, Marisol, Granddaddy, Aunt Lucy, Aunt Lindy, Darbie Grimes, Darbie Grimes’ mother, three dead husbands killed in an unknown accident, Simon, Lawrence Galloway, Miquel, Douglas, Judge … Continue reading "Ep 157- A Killer Christmas Affair – Ep 1"

Support the podcast on Patreon where they found out what this book is a week ago! patreon.com/372pages In real time, Mike and Conor select their next book – and we guarantee it will be cozy! Select your hugest, fuzziest slippers (preferably cartoon-based), your giant cup of cocoa, we’re talking soup bowl sized with a handle … Continue reading "Ep 156 – Christmas 2023 Cozy announcement!"

Support the podcast on Patreon! We have a video tier now so you can see us mispronounce things in real time! http://patreon.com/372pages An absolutely epic end to an epic book. Let’s list them off: giant gorillas, chimpanzees, giant ostriches, gigantic komodo-looking dragons, witch princesses in sheer linen gowns: it’s obvious Larry got a little excited … Continue reading "Ep 155 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 4 – Slenderman Gorilla"

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you’ll get every episode a week early, extra stuff you can’t get anywhere else, contests, and more! http://patreon.com/372pages Incredible – truly incredible – Larry and Denise stuff in this section. The vast majority of this reading could have been submitted as Real or Fanfic and fooled Mike every time. … Continue reading "Ep 154 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 3 – The Blinding Underground Sun"

Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early, participate in our discord, and get lots of other stuff you can’t get anywhere else. patreon.com/372pages Like jumping into a waterfall and landing in a Nile River of madness, The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists (Book 1) The Land of the Moepeks … Continue reading "Ep 153 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 2 – The Tri-Moepek Cup"

Join us on Patreon, where every episode comes out a week early and you get to hear all the other bonus stuff we only put on there! And check out “The Naked Clone” a book that Mike & Conor co-authored with Kevin, Bill, and Sean from RiffTrax! Yes, a long episode, but this book more … Continue reading "Ep 152 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists Ep 1"

Join the fun on Patreon, where you get every episode a week early and other fun bonus stuff! https://patreon.com/372pages The book is currently unavailable on Amazon, so if you’ve already read your copy, please pay it forward to another listener! To prepare for what we can only assume is an epic reading of Larry and … Continue reading "Ep 151 – The Adventures of the Teen Archeologists- Intro"

Help us pick the next book! We’ll be running a poll on the 372 Patreon: http://patreon.com/372pages The Bark Squad wraps up Dodie Smith’s fever nightmare of a sequel in this final episode covering The Starlight Barking. Sirius the Dogstar visits, promising a lifetime of bliss in outer space. Unfortunately, some whiny mangey strays are all … Continue reading "Ep 150 – The Starlight Barking Ep 3 – Roly Poly Does Paris"

Support the podcast on Patreon and get every new episode a week early PLUS access to our entire archive of five years of bonus material: https://patreon.com/372pages We learn a lot of new things in this episode: mostly Mike is terrible at Real or Fanfic! Seriously, all sorts of new rules about physis and metaphysics are … Continue reading "Ep 149 – The Starlight Barking Ep 2 – Sleeping Devils"

Support the podcast on Patreon where you can get every episode a week early as well as other fun stuff like Mike trying to solve the world’s most diabolical Encyclopedia Brown mysteries! http://patreon.com/372pages The first full episode of The Starlight Barking goes in, shall we say, some unexpected directions. Lots more talk of pure bloodlines … Continue reading "Ep 148 – The Starlight Barking Ep 1: Dalmatians Be Whooshing"

If you were on Patreon, you’d have known what the new book was a week ago! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages Let’s figure out what the TWENTY-FIFTH book we’re going to read together will be, but first, Conor quizzes Mike on some direct to VHS Real or Fanfic. Link to buy Book 25: https://amzn.to/3NQG5S7 Reading … Continue reading "Ep 147 – Book 25: The Starlight Barking"

Be the first to find out what’s next by supporting the podcast on Patreon. You’ll also hear a new subpodcast where Mike tries to solve Encyclopedia Brown mysteries: http://patreon.com/372pages We finished Artemis! And we ranked Artemis as compares to all the other books covered in this podcast: you won’t believe what happens next!! And we’re … Continue reading "Ep 146 – Artemis – Ep 5 – Bleriana’d"

Join the few, the proud, the jackals and support the podcast on Patreon! Every episode a week early and other fun stuff: http://patreon.com/372pages The penultimate Artemis episode! Mike’s final attempt at Real or Fanfic has to compete with those red-hot references to Emily Post! Listener’s weigh in and there are Dumb Sentences of the Week. … Continue reading "Episode 145 – Artemis Ep 4 – Dale and Bob and Loretta and Welding"

Join the fun on Patreon, where last week we watched Forrest Gump together, Mike for the very first time! http://patreon.com/372pages Get the book here In this episode: -Spontaneous jackals bearing conspiracy theories -Conor’s appearance on Jeopardy? Premonition? -Insanely difficult Real or Fanfic -Dumb Sentences of the Flexible Time Period -And much more, including this general … Continue reading "Episode 144 – Artemis Ep 3 – Rudy Explained, Kinda!"

Support the podcast on Patreon! Because of you, Mike watched Forrest Gump for the first time this week! There is nothing that could prepare you for the, ahem, choices Mr. Weir makes in these chapters so may as well dig in.  Though we will say Mike slightly improves his fortunes in Real or Fanfic. Get … Continue reading "Episode 143 – Artemis Ep 2 – Sean Meets the Morals Brigade"

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon! Get the book here What if Garrett P. Serviss dictated a story to Ernest Cline? We think it would go a little something… like this. Plus a Dark Web appearance by a 372 favorite author and an extremely challenging Real or Fanfic! NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through … Continue reading "Episode 142 – Artemis Ep 1 – Mounties on the Moon"

Support the podcast on Patreon, where they’ve known about this new book for a week already! patreon.com/372pages Alright, NOW it’s time for Book 24! This one did very well in our Patreon poll a few years ago, so we’re excited to finally tackle it. But first, Mike listens patiently while Conor rants about Goombas or … Continue reading "Episode 141 – Book 24: Artemis"

Find out what our next book is going to be a week before everyone else! Join the 372 Patreon. WOW! Really no words to describe the insane events in the final chapters of Edison’s Conquest of Mars, but we can attempt to sum it up with one syllable; Tom. No Real or Fanfic here but … Continue reading "Episode 139 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 4 – Suddenly!"

Support the Podcast on Patreon and hear all about the *first* arson Mike committed! Plus get every episode a week early and lots of other non-arson content: http://patreon.com/372pages Martians, space battles, disintegrators, heat rays, murdered crows — the only thing missing from this story? Colonel Alonzo Jefferson Smith! Sylphan harp players! Compressed food, stolen and … Continue reading "Episode 138 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 3 – Zest and Interest!"

Support the Podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early and hear fun stuff like our pitches for Groundhog Day themed Cozy Mysteries! Come for the Thrilling Story of an Encounter that Nearly Ended the Great Expedition. Stay for Mike’s Thrilling Performance in Real or Fanfic. If you love the character of Tom. … Continue reading "Episode #137 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 2 – Australian Mine Owners!"

Support the podcast on Patreon and get every episode a week early and other fun stuff! Our first reading of Garrett P. Serviss’ Edison’s Conquest of Mars is a real cracker jack, a tip-top lally-cooler!  Truly, an enjoyable book if for nothing more than the action movie quipping of Professor Sylvanus P. Thompson. All the … Continue reading "Episode #136 – Edison’s Conquest Ep 1 – Serviss is Selling"

Shake off your weighted blanket and put down that spoon you’re licking yogurt off the back of. It’s no longer cozy season, dammit! It’s time for Book 23 and we’ve got a listener recommendation that promises to be absolutely as uncozy as Christmas River was cozy. In fact, we’re not even certain Coziness had been … Continue reading "Episode #135 – Book #23 announcement"

Support the podcast on Patreon where you’ll get every episode a week early and hear our recaps of the two other cozy Christmas mysteries we read this December! Our final reading Murder in Christmas River answers the deep, impenetrable puzzle at the heart of the book: How many people will show up to a cheesy … Continue reading "Episode #134 – Murder in Christmas River Ep. 3: Dehydrated Mummies"

Support the podcast on Patreon and hear all about the batshit crazy cozy mystery we read last week: patreon.com/372pages Get the current book here: https://amzn.to/3Ura5W6 After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as “The butler … Continue reading "Episode #133 – Murder in Christmas River Ep. 2 – Old Man Things to Talk About"

Support the podcast on Patreon and get some EXTRA cozy this Christmas season! patreon.com/372pages Get the book HERE (it’s free on Kindle Unlimited) Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches: Sentient dog Drunk, unpleasant, misanthropic grandfather Horrible tourists Money-grubbing shop owners Platinum blonde pie shop workers who … Continue reading "Episode 132 Murder in Christmas River – Ep 1 – Drunk Daniel"

Our patreon supporters have been reading this book for a week already! Join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages Get the book here (Free on Kindle Unlimited) Super Constitution behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to … Continue reading "Episode 131 – Christmas River Murder Ep 1 – Announcement"

Find out our next book before everyone else when you support the podcast on Patreon! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here To quote the perpetually stoned kid who sawed his finger off in my high school Shop Class and had it surgically re-attached, writing in my year book, “What a long, strange trip it’s been!” Emphasis … Continue reading "Episode 130 – Super Constitution Ep 5 – Welcome Back, Troika!"

Support the podcast on Patreon! Once we hit 1000 supporters, Mike will watch Forrest Gump for the first time as a live watchalong! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here Well, we’re one ep away from being done with Charles Kim’s ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ novel and one thing is becoming clear: unless you hold multiple degrees from … Continue reading "Episode 129 – Super Constitution Ep 4 – Miss Sequoia, AOOOOgaaaa!"

See how our trip to the Mall of American Bubba Gump Shrimp Company went, only on the 372 Patreon! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here We’re deep into Super Constitution now and this is our chance to see how the sausage is made (HINT: it requires a killing ray).  Another big question is answered as Miss … Continue reading "Episode #128 – Super Constitution Ep 3 – Miss O’Hara’s Smiling Body"

Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early and other exclusive fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here Well, after a rough start we’re back on track. Super Constitution was a little strange out of the gate but now it’s nothing more than a classic sci-fi nov– haha, I can’t finish that sentence. It … Continue reading "Episode #127 – Super Constitution Ep 2 – LONG MONOLOGUES!!"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode early, hear our recent live show from Minneapolis, and more great stuff! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here Webster’s defines “insane” as THIS BOOK! Find out how a book titled SUPER CONSTITUTION is hornier than The Mister, Susan Fletcher, and a Moon People date at Red Lobster combined. We’ll … Continue reading "Episode #126 – Super Constitution Ep 1 – Octopus Tentacles"

(This book may be a little hard to find because our Patreon supporters learned what it was a week ago and bought up all the copies. Join them so you don’t miss out in the future! patreon.com/372pages ) Get the book here The podcast is now officially old enough to legally drink, if you are … Continue reading "Episode #125 – Book 21: Super Constitution"

Come see us do our first LIVE PODCAST in three years, Friday 7/22 at Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis! Details on our facebook and twitter pages. Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon. Find out when live show tix are on sale, get every episode early, enter contests, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages … Continue reading "Episode #124 – Gump & Co Ep 5"

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you can watch Conor drink gross New Coke variants, hear Mike’s story teased in this ep, and so much more! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here We’re past the halfway point in Gump & Co., and in this episode, so much Gump, so much Co., so much ass!! Seriously, could … Continue reading "Episode 123 – Gump & Co Ep 4"

Support the podcast on Patreon, the only place to hear our Minneapolis live show and see our trip to the Mall of America Bubba Gump Shrimp Company! Get the book here Oh, come back lengthy, unending descriptions of New Coke! You are missed. We’ll put down here what might be discussed during this episode and … Continue reading "Episode #122 – Gump & Co. Ep 3"

Our first full episode of diving into the Winston Groom book Gump & Co. So much is uncovered here, including Mike’s grandmother’s encounter with Houdini, Conor’s visit with broadcasting legend Larry King, some Dumb Sentences and some Real or FanFic; during which Mike either does or does not repeat recent past triumphs! Patreon supporter goals … Continue reading "Episode #121 – Gump & Co. Ep 2"

Our beloved Patreon supporters have already been reading this book for a week! Join the fun at http://patreon.com/372pages Get the book here It’s time to announce our twentieth book, and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: will anyone be forced into a tree? Also, Mike & Conor do another round of Calibrate Your Tastes. It’s … Continue reading "Episode #120 – Book 20 – Gump & Co"

Support the podcast on Patreon and be the first to find out what the next book is! patreon.com/372pages Weeks ago, when we wandered out of the trees and mountains of the plains of Antigua and hopped on that unicorn’s back, we never could have imagined the places she’d take us. Or the sheer, unbelievable, immense … Continue reading "Episode #119 – Antigua Ep 7 – Eagle Man!"

Support the 372 Patreon! Bonus Real or Fanfics, classical minis, other weirder stuff! patreon.com/372pages “Displace one note and there would be diminishment, displace one phrase and the structure would fall.” Salieri on Mozart but it could easily have been spoken by Conor or me about the Ellis’ classic book, Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizard … Continue reading "Episode #118 – Antigua Ep 6 – Teens!"

Support the Podcast on Patreon to get fun stuff like a Meet The Authors with Bill Corbett, Conor’s breakdown of an iconic hip-hop sample, and every episode early! patreon.com/372pages Just a few of the animals mentioned in this episode’s reading: dogs, cats, cows, roosters, chickens, pigs, goats, horses, cattle, foxes, squirrel monkeys who make all … Continue reading "Episode #117 – Antigua Ep 5 – Animal Collective"

Support the podcast on Patreon and see what you’re missing! It’s the only place to hear Mike’s amazing bonus real or fanfic! http://patreon.com/372pages You know how when a friend says, “You have to see this video!” and then thrusts his phone in your face and stands awkwardly watching your expression as you watch a video … Continue reading "Episode #116 – Antigua Ep 4 – Holograms"

Support us on Patreon! It’s the only place to hear the legendary Bonus Real or Fanfic we did in between episodes! patreon.com/372pages A jam-packed episode for which we will not apologize: there are roughly 8300 characters mentioned in this reading alone. And we barely touch on the Great Wizard Agnessa! We’ve got fairies, fairiettes, pixies, … Continue reading "Episode 115 – Antigua Ep 3 – Timothy!"

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Please join them so we can have enough supporters to outnumber the centaurs in this book. patreon.com/372pages This book is amazing! It’s an amazing book! Conor, 40 years-old, yelled to Mike, who was made of human parts, “I can’t believe how amazing this book is!” They … Continue reading "Episode 114 – Antigua Ep 2 – Beautiful Horses"

Conor challenges Mike with a quiz (he does poorly) and then the new book is announced! EDIT:  Well this should be interesting. The kindle (CANON) version does not have chapter breaks. We will read until Location 737, ending at the sentence “The rulers of the easternmost province were King Arlexjandrio and Queen Gwyndeth.”  This is … Continue reading "Episode 113 – Book 19 – Antigua Ep. 1"

Our Patreon listeners are our favorite listeners! Join them at patreon.com/372pages and be the first to learn what book we’re doing next Wow, there’s no way around it, we unabashedly loved the places this book went! (If you don’t agree with us please contact our solicitors, Messrs. Hutchinson and Harper.  If you find no relief … Continue reading "Episode 112 – Irene Iddsleigh Ep 3 – HAWKES! (The Gardener)"

Support the podcast on Patreon, and hear all about Mike’s Time Advocate theory! patreon.com/372pages Just when you thought Irene Iddesleigh was just going to be kind of old-timey funny, the type of funny that would cause Samuel Clemens to sort of let out a little laugh through his nose, it goes completely bananas off-the-rails insane!! … Continue reading "Episode 111 – Irene Iddesleigh #2"

Join the 372 Pages Patreon and get early access to every new episode! Patreon.com/372pages This book was a surprise, packed with hidden delights. So too this episode including -A brand new department: Appreciate Mark Twain -Several dives to the Dark Web -More than one improv regarding Sir John’s locked rooms -Dumb Sentences -A stunning Real … Continue reading "Episode 110 – Irene Iddesleigh #1"

Our patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and are already sending in their dumb sentences! Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages Join us for our 18th book: Irene Iddlesleigh by Amanda Mckittrick Ros. That is, if the Red Cross doesn’t abduct Conor before then. For our first episode we’ll be reading … Continue reading "Episode 109 – Book 18: Irene Iddlesleigh"

**Please note that the giveaway mentioned in this ep has obviously already ended** Be the first to find out what our next book is! Support the podcast on Patreon and get early access to every ep and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Reading a 563 Tyra Banks book just wasn’t enough. Listeners insisted we read and … Continue reading "Episode 108 – Modelland Extra – Acknowledgments, aka Library Fudge"

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on our Patreon! http://patreon.com/372pages O’Neil of course does not rise. But this is Modelland’s final episode. Per our stunt Mike did not read it so it’s all in the capable hands of Conor, who, for the first time gets to read a passage to the poor bedraggled “little … Continue reading "Episode 107 – Modelland Ep 7 – O’Neil Rises"

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Join them over at patreon.com/372pages Mike catches Conor up on the the plot, which involves a lot of filth, sores, blood, detached limbs, wounds and severed torsos. In other words, just another Tuesday at Modelland! As this is a Very Special Episode, we’d love your opinion … Continue reading "Episode 106 – Modelland Ep 6 – Human Leg Giraffe"

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff: patreon.com/372pages Our longest episode yet – making it, clearly, our best. We’ll check in on a loving father reading his beloved daughter a bed time story. Conor breaks out the Pocket Operators to recreate one of the BellaDonna’s … Continue reading "Episode 105 – Modelland Ep 5 – SHOCKING NEWS!"

Thank you to our Patreon supporters who keep the podcast going and have had access to this episode for a week already! Join them at patreon.com/372pages The underutilization of O’Neil is downright criminal: as though A Confederacy of Dunces just mentioned Ignatius J. Reilly and then moved on. Still, plenty of good stuff in the … Continue reading "Episode 104 – Modelland Ep 4 – O’Neil"

Support the podcast with a few bucks on Patreon. Get every episode early, Meet The Authors segments, interviews with Lauren and Bridget, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages A testament to how weird this book has become: A “sloppy, love-filled reunion hug” is the most normal thing that happens in this episode’s reading. The Cronenbergian body-horror levels … Continue reading "Episode 103 – Modelland Ep 3 – AUGH SORRY SO SO SORRY SORRY"

Please support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early, access to our Discord, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Conor and Mike wade into the fever dream like madness that is Tyra Banks’ Modelland but not before Mike gets his comeuppance on an issue of pronunciation.  And since no Dark Web recreators could possibly capture … Continue reading "Episode 102 – Modelland Ep 2 – Goggle Eyes & Long Fingers"

Join the 372 Patreon to get every episode early and other fun exclusive stuff! http://patreon.com/372pages Mike and Conor quickly discover that Tyra Banks’ only novel is Cr8Zee! (Cr8Zee is pronounced “crazeee” because the “t” sound at the end of “8” is silent and the two “ee”s at the end are pronounced like three “eee”s.) They … Continue reading "Episode 101 – Modelland Ep 1 – Einfach was für ein Loonerherz"

A famous person wrote a book so it would be rude of us not to read and discuss this person’s work. Also: 100 episodes!!! First assignment: Read through chapter 6

By the first to find out what we’re reading next by joining the 372 Patreon! Lots of other great exclusive posts and events as well! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here! It’s with wet eyes that we bid farewell to the land of wrongly timed barbecue, snippy and/or flirty waitresses, violent drug-pushing teacher/furniture store managers, open … Continue reading "Episode 99 – Quilters Ep 3 – Goodbye, Cozyverse!"

Join the fun in the 372 Patreon! Last week we all relived Conor’s humiliating Jeopardy loss together. Plus every episode early, contests, and other bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here! The number of characters continues to rise along with the body count, as the Quilters’ anti-drug battle (aka putting up a modest number of … Continue reading "Episode 98 – Quilters Ep 2 – Big Baby Braxton"

Join us on Patreon to get every episode early and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages Get the book here! Ah, the Clinian Cloud has lifted and the 372 Pages studio is cozy and smells of pork, sauerkraut, beef stew and cake – lots of cake! Conor dives to the dark web, Mike tries his hand at … Continue reading "Episode 97 – Quilters Ep 1 – A Small, Intimate Podcast"

Get the book here! The task: announce book number sixteen. Forty-seven minutes later the job is done! Why? Because Conor and Mike are incredibly enthusiastic about the new title. I mean, one of our favorite “Real or FanFics” before we even crack the book open?! This is going to be great! Here’s a link to … Continue reading "Episode 96 – Book 16: The Quilters Push Back"

Learn the next book before anyone else! Join the fun on the 372 Patreon. Bonus eps, Meet the Authors, Discord, and more! patreon.com/372pages An epic podcast! Mike and Conor discuss the deep philosophical implications of Van Hagar, of avatars putting on haptic suits, of the personification of the collective intelligence of all humanity saying things … Continue reading "Ep 95 – Ready Player 2 – Suddenly, and Without Warning, We Finished the Book"

Join the fun on Patreon for bonus Real or Fanfic, improv with special guests, and surprisingly, earnest analysis of classical music! patreon.com/372pages If you had taken a second mortgage on your home and placed the entire sum on a Vegas bet that “nothing in this book could possibly be worse than the chapters spent on … Continue reading "Episode 94 – Ready Player 2 – Apparently, We Were Surprised to Find Ourselves Still Reading This"

Ernest Cline’s runaway best seller continues to disgust and annoy us, even as it approaches the home stretch. In this episode we wrap up the seemingly endless John Hughes quest by meeting an actual John Hughes NPC (not actually John Hughes). Then we’re off to Halcydonia, where we all try to pretend that Zoobilee Zoo … Continue reading "Ep 93 – Ready Player 2 – Rolling our Locked Wide Eyes"

Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to early episodes, bonus materials, contests and more! Patreon.com/372pages Conor states with confidence that this episode contains a chapter that is the dumbest and therefore the greatest of any that has been covered by 372 Pages! The editor has taken her hand off the tiller and what … Continue reading "Episode 92 – Ready Player 2 – Is It GameFAQs? Or a John Hughes Geocities Fan Page? It’s Both!!"

After countless pages of Worldbuilding and freeing child slaves when our hero felt like it, Ernest Cline finally lets some things happen in this section. The action kicks off when a Gunter and a Sharter listen to a Morissey song in silence and it doesn’t let up from there! By the time we’re done, there’s … Continue reading "Episode 91: Ready Player 2 – A Constant Loop of Push It"

Don’t miss out on participating in the read along! Join the 372 Patreon and get early access to episodes, as well as a BONUS Real or Fanfic we did this week! patreon.com/372pagesSo much to cover: Conor is shocked at Cline’s revelation that there may be a downside to the internet Conor is shocked at Cline’s … Continue reading "Episode 90 – Ready Player 2: Bouncin’ and Blazin’"

Support the podcast on Patreon and get access to every episode early, plus a ton of exclusive bonus stuff! patreon.com/372pages Ready Player Two? Let me ask that again; Ready Player Two?! I don’t think you are!! But Conor and Mike are ready. Having only an evening to read the first few chapters, here are some … Continue reading "Episode 89 – Ready Player Two – Sharters and Gunters"

Yes, this may be the final episode of Midnight Sun but Alice has looked into the future and Mike and Conor are still reading it in every possibility but this one. We won’t spoil anything about the episode itself but stay tuned to the very end and help us (and 372 listener Josh who sent … Continue reading "Episode 88 – James “The Tracker” Trackerathorn III"

Phil hears from an assistant coach of the Sidewinders that there may be a backup shortstop position opening up! So Renee and he may drive back to Phoenix!!!!!!!! Also, the tireless and cunning James the Tracker is making plans to watch his collection of VHS tapes in a room with a gold chair rail once … Continue reading "Episode 87 – MAJOR UPDATE ON PHIL!!"

How em dash HOW em dash is this book not about Charlie hauling in a world record white perch, or at the very least the story of him getting a treble hook buried into his thigh? Why not page after page of Carlisle being tutored in Courtly Italian by some foppish vampire with a high … Continue reading "Episode 86 – Charlie says, “Huh…”"

Twilight but as told from the vampire’s point of view, continues to be a collection of words strung together in mostly coherent fashion, with occasional digressions to count thousands of insects. There you go, Little Brown, you can use that as a quote on the cover of the paperback. We hit the halfway mark during … Continue reading "Episode 85 – Throbbing Wetly"

If you like Cline-ian pop culture lists you are in for a treat! In this episode Mike and Conor break down Bella’s likes / dislikes, turn-ons / turn-offs, preferences for types of flowers / er, preferring not to encounter other types of flowers, etc. Conor again dives to the dark web to widen our understanding … Continue reading "Episode 84 – RIP Orlando Calderas Wallace"

Yes, we talk about things other than Lanny. But we don’t want to! You’ll all be thrilled to learn that Mike drained the budget to reunite the 372 Players, that Mike scores, um, pretty, pretty well on the Real or Fanfic challenge. There’s tons of Dumb Sentences and Conor dives to the dark web. But … Continue reading "Episode 83 – Lanny"

So many words, so many of them “monster”! A jam-packed episode: Conor sails through several Sonic Challenges Mike, ahem, sails through Real or Fanfic Our listeners mail in and we steal it Believe it or not there are plenty of Dumb Sentences. There are GOFFS! (get it?) Special thanks to our patreon supporters! Get every … Continue reading "Episode 82 – The Comedy Stylings of Emmett"

Let’s read another terrible book! But first, a story (By listener request!) about the time Mike inherited a house. It does not go well. This should be a fun one, let’s start by reading through Chapter 4!

Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty. Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from … Continue reading "Episode 80 – ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!11” We shooted"

Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript. A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike … Continue reading "Episode 79 – Conor Unveils His Superpower"

The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include: Shakespeare, several times Dickens Sir Arthur Conan Doyle The Bible Thelonius Monk And more! Conor unveils his Cockney <? > accent, and it is QUITE something. Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns … Continue reading "Episode 78 – My Immortal"

We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon. Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about! While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by … Continue reading "Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND."

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book! Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive! And we meet a ninety-pound live wire! Join us on Patreon to get every episode early, plus … Continue reading "Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza"

Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception. As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, … Continue reading "Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’"

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.” Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with … Continue reading "Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!"

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory. From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch … Continue reading "Episode 73 – Enter Halite"

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!* Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out. All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle … Continue reading "Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo"

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners. We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets … Continue reading "Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny"

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still … Continue reading "Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs"

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell! Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with … Continue reading "Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People"

Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s: -DMC’s never before seen method of writing … Continue reading "Episode 68 – Still Tippin’ on 222s"

Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages Book 11 … Continue reading "Book 11 Announcement"

452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter. There’s a … Continue reading "Episode 67 – The Worst Book We’ve Ever Read"

A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast! The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!) All the … Continue reading "Episode 66 – We Come to Bury Burys"

Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump. Fortunately, we’re able to gain more … Continue reading "Episode 65 – Pig Girl Wrecks the Can"

Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs … Continue reading "Episode 64 – Willow Loves Willow"

A jam-packed episode made all the more thrilling because Mike’s computer crashed twice while making it. Was it ensorcelled by a HardDriveHeron with CrashCharms? We may never know. What else? Pretty straightforward, nothing really stands out — Oh, wait: Willow becomes a floor. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. If you enjoy the podcast, please consider … Continue reading "Episode 63 – Shadow Moon: Episoude the Fourth"

Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse.  Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s … Continue reading "Episode 62 – Llamacorn sez, “Well coat my meat in peanut sauce, it’s a new ep!”"

Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least! Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”.  This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether … Continue reading "Episode 61 – Don’t Put Ketchup on your Death Dog"

Step into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.) We’ll meet some of our … Continue reading "Episode 60 – This Podcast is now named Thorn Drumheller"

Cline Cline Theis Shatlart Thrash Pappy James Harris Stoker… Who’s next? Listen and find out! (Hey! Patreon supporters have known about this book for a week already and have been snatching up the cheapest used copies! Join them for early access to every episode, bonus eps, videos, contests, and more! patreon.com/372pages )

Three hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss. The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and … Continue reading "Episode 58 – China Worm Sunflower"

It’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them? We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, … Continue reading "Episode 57 – Well Hung Doors"

To say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is … Continue reading "Episode 56 – For the Benefit of Evil Bird Kite"

Bram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss! Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we … Continue reading "Episode 55 – A Very Special Mongoose"

We’re on our ninth book! We now have enough bad books to field a baseball team or form our own personal Wu-Tang Clan of crappy literature. No reason to delay any further, hit play to find out what we’re reading next, and then come see us at our September 18th live show in Minneapolis! Oh, … Continue reading "Episode 54 – Book 9"

We finally finish Charles E. Harris aka The Horny Grandpa’s saga Trucking Through Time. Tension is high as we finally will get an answer to our big question: will the author handle things sloppily or hamfistedly?? There’s a big military standoff, sexy-time both across the river and in the breakdown lane of an interstate, and … Continue reading "Episode 53 – Seven Days of Mystery, Drama, Excitement, Compassion, Horror, and Romance"

We’ve got a jam-packed penultimate Trucking Through Time episode! Curvy wives! Horny grandpas! Easily accessible caches of cowboy hats! A surprising amount of discussion about James A. Garfield assassin Charles Guiteau. And a reminder to wash any pre-owned buckskins you buy at the thrift store! With only fifty pages left in Trucking Through Time, we … Continue reading "Episode 52 – Hold Onto Your Buckskins"

In between the General reading reports, Trucking Through Time manages to fit in some genuinely insane moments. Our heroes literally get to meet God, and it’s the second craziest thing that happens. (The first is our favorite moment in all of literature.) We’ll listen in on some surreptitious recordings made by Harris’ family, examine the … Continue reading "Episode 51 – Grandpa, No!"

It’s our 50th episode! And to celebrate, Trucking Through Time gets a little…. sexy! If you thought groins were stirring and tightening in the mister, just wait til you see the effect Light Feather has on Chad! (He’s not going to need his last name, if you know what we mean…) Our occasional department of … Continue reading "Episode 50 – Arthur “Three Socks” Jackson"

Having trucked through time, our heroes Chad Hand and Dale Rhea (seriously) must now deal with the perils of life in the late 17th or early 18th century. This mainly involves taping things to sticks and feeding a young boy pork and beans. We’ll also get to meet approximately three dozen members of the Sioux … Continue reading "Episode 49 – A Bad Day for the Home Team"

Load your cooler up with knickknacks, good buddy, we’re in for a long haul! This is our first episode covering Charles E. Harris’ “Trucking Through Time” and if the first two chapters are any indication it’s going to be quite the journey! We’ll meet our heroes Chad and Dale, the comically mismatched duo who are … Continue reading "Episode 48 – Trucking Through Time"

As we wrap up our deep dive into EL James’ “The Mister”, we have a lot of questions. Well, one question really: What the hell? But also: Why was absolutely nothing resolved? Why do Maxim and Alessia treat her father like his opinion should matter at all? How much were they paying that translator? Is … Continue reading "Episode 47 – So do Albanian cars have seatbelts or what?"

This is now an all Bleriana, all the time podcast. Our favorite unseen character, who may or may not still be a sex slave when this book ends in fifty pages, makes another appearance, as Alessia finally recounts the story of her evil Betrothed and her journey to England. Despite her saying “I love you” … Continue reading "Episode 46 – Bleriana’s Bucket"

Our second favorite trafficking victim does NOT show up in this section of The Mister, but other than that, it’s jam packed. Anesthesia, post-trauma boning, and approximately 3/4 of a page of honest to god drama and tension! Join us on Patreon! Get every episode early plus other fun stuff like cooking shows! patreon.com/372pages Mike … Continue reading "Episode 45 – Wherefore Art Thou, Bleriana?"

This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer. Our patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend! Join the fun and get every … Continue reading "Episode 44 – Male Tasting Fingers"

WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show. Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive … Continue reading "Episode 43 – Music for your what now?"

In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred … Continue reading "Episode 42 – Not A Groin Was Stirring"

Who’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before.  We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll … Continue reading "Episode 41 – Handsome Buttocks"

Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening! Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really … Continue reading "Episode 40 – Book Number Seven"

We are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with … Continue reading "Episode 39 – Broken Camera Blues"

Thank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that.  Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to … Continue reading "Episode 38 – 160 Pages We’ll Never Get Back"

Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this … Continue reading "Episode 37 – I Laugh a lot When I Write"

The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s … Continue reading "Episode 36 – We’re Baffled By The Cherry Water"

Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you … Continue reading "Episode 35 – Uh… OK?"

Well, here is the new book we all get to read together! We apologize for nothing!! And hey, a bunch of listeners requested this one, so if you want someone to blame we will name names! But in all seriousness, this should be very fun, and will be a welcome change of pace from the … Continue reading "Episode 34 – A 160 Page Self-Own"

All good things must come to an end. On a completely unrelated note, this book also must come to an end. And what an ending it is! After pages and pages of repeated text and detailed descriptions of the families of characters who are never mentioned again, we get some actual, honest to god plot … Continue reading "Episode 33 – Checkmate"

Who is the Sheriff of 372 Pages? Sorry, just trying out our new catchphrase. Nobody better be laughing!! We have an absolutely jam packed episode this week, because despite maybe 40% of this week’s assigned reading being the same block of typo-ridden copy/paste text, there was a lot to talk about. Potential suspects! Power couples … Continue reading "Episode 32 – Ctrl-V, Repeat"

Assemble your various financial certification acronyms and have Veronica Jackson clear your schedule, because we’ve got a doozy of an episode! So much to unpack here in our first discussion of The Forensic Certified Public Accountant and the Cremated 64-SQUARES Financial Statements. We’ve got kidnapped mascots, hi-tech spy gear, and world record fast marriage proposals. … Continue reading "Episode 31 – I, Titus Uno"

Well, we’ve found a new book to read together, and it certainly appears to be something special. More in the vein of “Eye of Argon”, this is one that was never going to hit the best seller list. But based on early scans it seems like it will be a lot of fun to dive … Continue reading "Episode 30 – Manifesto in Book Form"

Well, the pace sure as hell was unrelenting, folks. We’ve reached the end of TekWar, and there both is and isn’t a lot to talk about. Chest-high walls, disdainful robot pimps, the brief and wondrous life of Sonny Hokori are all just the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to all who hitched their wagons to … Continue reading "Episode 29 – What The Hell Was That?"

If you’d told us way back in Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori, if we’d still be having meetings about Sonny Hokori 150 pages later, we would have thrown the book across the room. And yet, here we are. We’re back after the holiday break (feeling kind of glum, guess we just miss Ogden … Continue reading "Episode 28 – Al’s House of Lucite"

Chapter 22 of Tekwar may be the second stupidest chapter we’ve read on this podcast. The first, of course, being the one in Armada where The Emissary just, you know, cures cancer and every other disease. But this one is close. We will explain why in great detail. We’ll also FINALLY meet one of the … Continue reading "Episode 27 – A Heavy Airquotes Simple Plan"

Roll your cartoon wolf tongues back into your mouths, we’ve got a new episode! This week we finally get to meet the lusted after Beth Kittridge… Well, kind of… Mike also coins a new, revolting portmanteau for our favorite author duo: Shatlart, while Conor does his best to try to pronounce the name Ogden, which … Continue reading "Episode 26 – Located in the Exact Center of your Podcast App"

Look, we all love Sonny Hokori and Bennet Sands and Dr. Kittridge’s insanely hot daughter. We love to hear Jake discuss those people in quirky alleys with people we’ve never met and probably will never hear from again. But for the love of god, do we need FOUR CONSECUTIVE CHAPTERS of these meetings???  In this … Continue reading "Episode 25 – Meetings About Sonny Hokori"

To the inattentive and brainless layman* it might appear that not much happened during this stretch of TekWar. Mostly Jake aka Jonatha and Juanito aka The Android(???) just sat and talked to people about other people we haven’t met yet. Somehow, we discussed this for nearly two hours. Folks stepped up their fanfic this time … Continue reading "Episode 24 – ¡El Pelo Hinchable!"

Steeple your chrome fingers against your chrome nose and tell maw to cork it, here’s our first Tekwar episode! We’ve got a ton to cover here: the difference between Airvans and Skycabs. Coppery racism. Oddly specific and ever increasing intervals of time. And printing, my god the printing!   A hearty plasthanks to our Patreon … Continue reading "Episode 23 – Plasepisode Plastwenty Plasthree"

Let’s not delay this any longer: We’ve got a new book picked out to read together, and by all accounts it’s gonna be a doozy. So let’s say goodbye to Norgolia and move on to… Well, you’ll have to listen to find out! We didn’t know the assignment for MYSTERY BOOK REDACTED when we recorded, … Continue reading "Episode 22 – Book Four Reveal!"

It feels like we just started Grignr’s journey, but it’s already time to finish The Eye of Argon. Fortunately, the second half is just as amazing as the first half, with out of left field seizures, deadly rat pelvis bones, reeking maws, husking femmes, and iycks!   We’ll also take a look at how the … Continue reading "Episode 21 – Mo’ Shamen, Maw Problems"

Wow! The Eye of Argon more than surpassed our expectations. Our ovals widened rotundly with every additional sentence Theis crafted. My god, the first four (4.5, really) chapters were only like six thousand words and we spent nearly two hours discussing them! Obviously there’s a lot to cover here as Grignr makes his way through … Continue reading "Episode 20 – Hope You Like Adjectives!"

We teased it in our last episode, but we’re finally ready to reveal to you: our next book is called The Eye of Argon. We figured, what could possibly carry the torch of Ernest Cline’s terrible books, and decided: how about a typo-riddled fantasy novella written five decades ago by a sixteen year old who … Continue reading "Episode 19 – The Eye of Argon"

We are back! Don’t worry, there is no new Ernest Cline book. But we’ve decided to launch back up to try to tackle some books which may be just as bad or even worse! DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED! There’s no real content in this episode. It is just A Crummy Commercial for our new Patreon. … Continue reading "Episode 18 – A Crummy Commercial"

Recorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on April 11th, this is our first ever live show… Is how this post used to start before the recording of our live show was lost in an epic tech meltdown! But never fear, Mike and Conor have reunited to rediscuss the Ready Player One movie, in possibly … Continue reading "Episode 17 – We’ll Do It Live… Or Will We?"

When we last left Zack Lightman, he was submerged beneath the Antarctic Ocean, trying to retrieve his father and save the world. But then it was getting close to happy hour, so Ernest Cline decided to just wrap things up and hit publish on one of the most unsatisfying, unbelievably rushed endings we’ve ever seen. … Continue reading "Episode 16 – And Then All That Happened, The End"

As humanity’s potential end draws near, our heroes still have not been allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones back on Earth. So they all do what any normal person would do in that situation: bang the hell of out someone they just met a few hours ago. Mike and Conor’s faces contort as … Continue reading "Episode 15 – Some Light, Pre-Apocalypse Boning"

The Europan death armada is just  hours away, and mankind’s last defense force is behaving about how you’d expect: grinning, crushing hard, and making references to classic 80s horror anthologies. With only 100 pages left in the book, Mike and Conor are convinced that events that advance the plot forward may soon begin to actually … Continue reading "Episode 14 – A General Uses the Term “Snackage”"

The calendars may say that it’s March, but to us it’s Clinetober! Here at 372 Pages we’re power-leaping into the month like a terrible Godzilla simile from the classic Toho kaiju flick Godzilla. This week’s reading may have broken the all-time record for most notes scrawled in the margins of our copies of Armada. Conor … Continue reading "Episode 13 – Or as it Came to be Known, Episode 13"

Mike and Conor cover an absolutely thrilling stretch of Armada in this episode. Hold your breath because we’re about to discuss all of this: not one but TWO phone contact exchanging scenes, not one but TWO briefings in a large auditorium, and to cap it all off: an EULA acceptance scene!!! We’ll also explore some … Continue reading "Episode 12 – The Hot Geek Girl Laughed at my Episode Title"

In this episode we meet Zack’s insanely hot TV addicted gamer mom. Turns out the Hot but Relateable Mom trope isn’t just a Clineian invention, and Conor reveals where he’s seen it turn up recently. Also, Mike was able to pull some strings and secure a scene from the movie version of Armada, a movie … Continue reading "Episode 11 – Insanely hot (but relateable) moms"

In this first fifty pages of Armada, our hero sees a flying saucer, reads a giant list of movie release dates, and then goes to work. Somehow we talked about this sequence of events for 1 hour and 20 minutes. We also get caught up on what Conor and Mike read in between Cline novels,  … Continue reading "Episode 10 – What Have We Done?"

We’re back with a new season!  Join us as we read Ernest Cline’s followup to RP1, Armada. We’re extremely excited to read what is widely regarded as Cline’s bad novel. We’ll talk about our expectations, see if we can guess whether a critic was reviewing RP1 or Armada, and play a quick round of Real … Continue reading "Episode 9 – Season 2: Armada"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here We’re done!!! After one last robot fight, video game speedrun, and  rote recitation of a popular “geek” movie, we’ve finally reached the titular 372nd page. Tune in for the Dumb Sentence … Continue reading "Episode 8 – 1980s Reference"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here In this episode, Wade Watts faces the possibility of a lifetime of slavery! But then he gets out of it easily thanks to his hacking prowess, which he totally has had … Continue reading "Episode 7 – 1973 Was My Favorite Year in the 80s"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here Join us in our detailed recreation of the living room from Family Ties for Episode 6! The gunt is in it’s homestretch, so what better time to pause your novel for … Continue reading "Episode 6 – Rush for a Change of Atmosphere"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here This week we’re talking Wade’s Rig. And folks — it is a hell of a rig. We’ll also discuss the seemingly booming post-apocalyptic economy that makes all this gunting possible, venture … Continue reading "Episode 5 – Several Discreet Openings"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here We’ll discuss whether eating rotted Greenland shark meat is better than Ready Player One, take a thrilling look at server redundancy and connection lag, analyze various rigs, and examine what has … Continue reading "Episode 4 – Delightful 80’s References and Several Hundred Dead Children!"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here It’s another classic episode of 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! We’ll guess whether passages came from RP1 Fan Fiction or the novel itself, break down our hero’s obsession with the … Continue reading "Episode 3 – Ducks and Hairy Knuckled Chucks"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here Update your Gunter Wiki, crapburgers, it’s time for a new episode! This week we calibrate our tastes with Mike’s, delve into the delightful parenthetical autistism of James Halliday, take a closer … Continue reading "Episode 2 – A List and a Lich"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here In this episode, we’ll learn how calibrated your tastes are with Conor’s, meet our Rubenesque main characters, discuss the book’s generously amorphous definition of 80s pop culture,  examine how hard it … Continue reading "Episode 1 – A Miniseries About a Housecoat"

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode a week early, and a ton of other exclusive content: patreon.com/372pages Get the book here Welcome to 372 Pages We’ll Never Get Back! This is a podcast book club where we are reading the bestselling novel Ready Player One by Ernest Cline. In this episode, Mike … Continue reading "Episode 0 – A Book We’re Probably Going to Hate"