How to Say "Sorry" Like You Mean It

Apologies are key to successful relationships. But are you doing them right?

Link to episode transcript: https://tinyurl.com/38dfpe8p

Episode summary:

We all have moments when we say or do something we later regret. Then the time comes to make an apology. But a halfhearted “I’m sorry” rarely gets the job done. On this episode of The Science of Happiness, public defender Sam Dugan joins us for a second time to try science-backed tips for making an effective apology. First, she takes a moment to cultivate mindfulness through a mindful breathing practice. Next, Sam invites us in as she apologizes to her husband Nate. Sam reflects on how she took out her stress on Nate, what led her to lash out, and the importance of making a true, heartfelt apology — as opposed to the mindless ones many of us make on a near-daily basis. Then we hear from Sana Rizvi, a professor at the University of New Brunswick, about the science of how mindfulness can make us more apologetic.

Practice:

Mindful Breathing

Invite your body to relax into a comfortable position.

Tune into the rhythm of your breath, and pay attention as you breathe in through your nose, hold your breath, and exhale through your mouth.

Repeat as many times as you’d like.

Making an Effective Apology

Acknowledge the offense by showing that you recognize who was responsible, who was harmed, and the nature of the offense.

If helpful, provide an explanation, especially to convey that it was not intentional and that it will not happen again.

Express remorse.

Make amends. When considering how to best make amends, be sure to ask the offended person what would mean the most to them.

Learn more about this practice at Greater Good In Action:

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/mindful_breathing

https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/making_an_effective_apology

Today’s guests:

Sam Dugan is a public defender in Salt Lake City, Utah. She and her husband Nate have three dogs, and they were on the show last year to try the Three Funny Things practice.

Listen to Sam and Nate on Why Love Needs Laughter: https://tinyurl.com/5s45ps2v

Sana Rizvi is a professor in Organizational Behavior and Human Resource Management at the University of New Brunswick, in Canada.

Learn more about Dr. Rizvi’s work: https://tinyurl.com/4kzs4n4w

Resources for Making an Effective Apology

Hidden Brain - The Power of Apologies: https://tinyurl.com/bdze6yzz

The Verywell Mind Podcast - A Science-Backed Strategy for Making an Effective Apology: https://tinyurl.com/2j6ar3x8

The Atlantic - The Art and Science of Apologizing: https://tinyurl.com/38j2re9d

The New York Times - No, You Don’t Have to Stop Apologizing: https://tinyurl.com/3zwns9n3

More resources from The Greater Good Science Center:

Can Mindfulness Make You Better at Apologizing? https://tinyurl.com/bdes29w5

The Three Parts of an Effective Apology: https://tinyurl.com/3p273tym

A Better Way to Apologize: https://tinyurl.com/34hp2re5

Should You Ask Your Children to Apologize? https://tinyurl.com/4vcrktju

Eight Keys to Forgiveness: https://tinyurl.com/3x7v8rj7

Tell us about your experiences and struggles trying to make a mindful and effective apology by emailing us at happinesspod@berkeley.edu or using the hashtag #happinesspod.

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